From the Diary of Faith

When I was a little kid, around five or six years old, I could be heard telling other kids to 'kiss my ass,' and some four-letter words that I really shouldn't have known. Naturally, any adults who heard my young potty mouth were horrified. But, it's not like many of the kids that I knew growing up had parents to speak of. You know, orphanage, foster homes and all. Anyway, I guess I've always had a dirty mouth, and a dirty mind to follow. My personality is the complete antithesis of Buffy, who is, what one might call, my girlfriend. She's a good girl. I'm the girl your mother warned you about. Well, not in THAT sense, I'm sure most mothers aren't progressive enough to warn their daughters about girls like me, unless it's to deter them from befriending me. I'm the 'she's not headed for anywhere except an early grave or prison' type of girl. Buffy has kept relatively pure and innocent in the midst of all the demons and the other things my mother used to check under my bed for. Well, you know, when she wasn't drinking, doing drugs or passed out, for that matter. Whatever. It was most of the time, but she had her moments where she went the maternal route. So, as much as I claim that my mother (and father) fucked up my life royally, she is endeared to me-- in an odd way. I am indebted to her. She did give me life after all.

There was a time when I hated her for giving me life. I have an older half sister, she is eight years older than I am. Anyway, the last time I saw her, I was about fourteen. It seemed odd to me that two girls could come from the same womb, lead such different lives and yet, in the end, be the same. But it does make perfect sense. She was like me. Or maybe I am like her, since she is, frankly, older. You see, even though she lived with her rich daddy who impregnated my mother when she was only a fifteen year old girl, and he was a 30 year old man, she came out flat-out fucked. Just like me. He gave her all the things that a parent supposedly is legally obligated to provide. The usual food, shelter and clothing. I don't know about love, which is the most important of all. But that really is none of my concern.

She looked me straight in the eye and told me she hated our mother. I didn't understand her hatred toward my mother, since she never had to deal with her when Mom was drunk, stoned or high or a combination of the three. She never had to hear Mom get fucked by Dad or some other bastard. She certainly never felt the sting of Mom's palm, or got hurt when Mom moved on to bigger and better things to hit a kid with. No, it was none of those things. She hated my mother for giving her up to her father, who she thinks fucked up her life. I hated my mother for everything she did to me, but most of all; I hated her for abandoning me by dying. She left me to a lonely life, I had no one. You see, as fucked up as my life was with her, it all went downhill after she died. It's funny how Jillian and I hated our mother for the same things. We started out from two different points, led two vastly different lives and ended up meeting in the same place. So, there I was, talking to the big sister that I never fucking met before.

She looked like me, which basically meant that she was a younger version of our mother. Probably even the spitting image of my mother at age twenty-two.

"I hated our mother," she said bitterly, vehemently.

I was taken aback by the rage in her voice, but I acted nonchalant. I hated my mother then too. "Yeah? Well, join a fucking support group, but leave me the hell alone."

"That's the kind of woman who should never have given birth."

"But then we wouldn't be here," I told her. It was stating the obvious, but I also meant, "isn't that too bad?"

She looked at me. "Exactly. That's the problem isn't it? That we're here."

I never saw her again. She died of a heroin overdose. We really like to keep that in the family. So, there you have it, my mother was basically a whore. I never got to know Jillian, I had one sister who died before I was even born. I think it was her death that really killed the union between my parents. But I could be mistaken. There are times when I think I'm going to die anytime soon. I am a Slayer, after all. But sometimes, I lie awake at night thinking that maybe I'M just not meant for long life. Like, even if I weren't a Slayer, I'd never see life after 21. Hell, maybe even 18 with that Watcher test Buffy told me about.

It's weird what goes on in my head. I want people to take into account that I've had it rough, but the minute I sense pity, I get outraged. I want people to help me, but at the same time, I can't stand asking for it. Then, when somebody reaches out a helping hand, I bite it. I'm curious as to why they want to help me. What's in it for them? I've met very few philanthropic people in my life. Most people only look out for themselves. But then there are people like Buffy, and to a lesser extent, my friend Kate. Buffy's one of those sacrificial lamb types. She's always sticking her neck out for someone.

She feels things so deeply, you know? She builds these fucking emotional attachments really quickly, and they're lasting. I did everything in my power to fuck her over, and she forgave me. People constantly take advantage of her. She saves their asses, and then they aren't even grateful. It has to hurt. She reaches out to people, she gets close to people, and she gets slapped in the face for it. And, yet, she keeps doing it. Those kids whose lives she would save on a weekly, hell, DAILY basis in highschool? They would never return the favour. I never met anyone like her . . .She cares about other people; my number one priority is me. Well, after her anyway. We still have some issues to work out, we're trying to talk about them, but they result in awkward moments when I usually feel the need to take off.

Buffy and I have been doing the sleepover thing lately. Sometimes I stay with her, but a lot of times; she stays at my place. I suppose because it wouldn't matter if anyone heard us. Plus her roommate is the bitch from Hell. I once saw some episode of "Felicity." I didn't like the show much, it seemed too contrived to bring about angst, and God knows there's enough angst in the world. Anyway, her roommate (Felicity's) was like Demonic Girl. But, anyhoo, after my stint as Sunnydale's vegetable, I stayed with Buffy at her house for a while. But, I think we both needed some space, and with her starting college and all . . . so, I moved back into my motel room. Yep, it's still dingy and skanky, but it's home to me. Plus, with Buffy around, it makes it seem a lot better.

She bought me this nice yellow clock for the place. It's not either of our favourite colours, and it's ludicrously modern and cute for my shithole. But, it brightens up the room. It's kind of like my sun when she's not around. My room is beginning to look a little like HER room, even though our tastes are as different as night and day. Well, it doesn't matter. I have a picture of us on my nightstand taken by Kate a while back. After a bad day, I can always be happy when I look at that picture.

Buffy talked me into taking these courses for my GED. I don't really have the compulsion to do it, but it's nothing that I can't handle. I really do hate highschool though; it's why I dropped out. Now, if I had HER around, maybe I wouldn't have dropped out. Maybe. Okay, so I would have dropped out anyway. But things are different now; I'M different now. I'm in love with her, and the intensity scares me. Virgin territory. That's pretty amusing. I don't think 'Faith' and 'virgin' have been uttered in the same breath in . . . well, never actually. No one has ever really cared to ask, they just assumed.

I once read 'East of Eden,' it's by Steinbeck. Hey, it's not like I'm fucking illiterate. I read. When you don't have too many friends growing up, it's kind of what you do. Besides, my old Watcher used to make me read a lot. Anyway, there's this character in it- Cathy. She goes through a variety of name changes, because she destroys one identity to forge a new one. Cathy's a monster. She's this uncaring bitch, who plots and schemes and murders. She never feels any remorse, and she's like this super smart whore. Literally. Anyway, it's like she has no heart, you know? Like she was born without the capability to care for others.

Sometimes, I feel like her. I feel like her a lot. I haven't been able to bring myself to care about more than a handful of people. I guess the intensity of what I have with Buffy should settle my fears about me being anything at all like Cathy Trask. Kate said that my even questioning it goes to show you that I'm not her. She said if I were like Cathy Trask, I wouldn't even be pondering it. I hope she's right.

I'm love Buffy, but I'm so scared that I'm going to fuck things up again. It's what I do. I guess it's because I don't really deserve her. When that mess with the Mayor went down, I was sabotaging our relationships. I felt that deep down, it would never work out between us. So, I hurt her before she could hurt me. But I fucked up, because I wanted her back. But sometimes, I like awake at night and I wonder if loving her is enough. I was talking to Kate about my relationship with Buffy who told me honestly that she thought it'd be a passing phase on both our parts. "I don't doubt that you are both capable of loving one another, but loving a person and making it work are really two different things. I know this from experience. No matter how much you love a person, sometimes there's just too much history or drama." I was fucking pissed off when she told me this because all this time she'd been supporting me, rooting me on with Buffy. Then she pulls this one-eighty on me, saying a whole bunch of other shit. But then, I think to myself, what if she's right? Buffy and Angel loved each other, but after everything that happened, it didn't work. Now, I will admit that I am happy about this, but I wonder if I come first in her heart or second to him.

But she's given me a second chance, and I'm going to do my damnedest not to fuck things up again. I don't know why, I'm just a cranky, cold bitch. I've told her a lot about myself . . . more than I've ever told anyone anyway. It's trust. A part of me always wanted to, but I was too scared. She came to my motel room, a long time ago and told me that we could help each other. It was right after I killed Allen Finch. I didn't mean to, I didn't know. But that's just reiterating old stuff. I was freaking out as much as she was, but I could hardly show it. I didn't feel I could trust her. So, as much as I wanted to confide in her, I ultimately made the decision to push her away, to scare her. But she refused to be scared away for long. I guess that's one of the things I love about her. She has this indomitable spirit, she never gives up. Not anything or anyone-even me, God knows she should have.

Buffy has absolved me of my past, or so she says. I think she wonders, I mean, she has the right to. But there are some things I can't talk about, but she says whatever happens in the past stays in the past. Buffy said that while I shouldn't forget the past, I should just learn from it and move on. Kate seems to agree, "you can't live in the past to the detriment of the future and present." But she's being hypocritical; she does it more than I do. Like, I can see she really likes Cordelia, although God knows why she'd like some under-dressed, overdeveloped bimbo with the most vapid personality- okay, I exaggerate. But she told the May Queen she only wanted to be friends, but they have an odd relationship. A lot of angst and fucking. But Kate's always mooning over Cordelia, blah blah blah. It's a little irritating to be honest, but I'm sure she rolls her eyes when I wax poetic about Buffy.

The things I did in the past will forever haunt me. It's especially difficult with Willow and the rest of the Superfriends- uh, Scooby Gang around. They intensely dislike me, and for valid reasons. I don't really like them myself, but I'd never make her choose. Everyone needs friends, even me.

Buffy and I have completely different kinds of friends. I mean, sure I had a good number of people that I called "friends," but they were usually just people I'd get drunk or high with. Kate's an exception, although drugs and alcohol were a part of some of our activities. She has my back, you know? I don't know many people who do. Maybe two.

Buffy has my back, for sure. Buffy has this support system . . . her mother, Giles, her friends, they all watch out for her. Hell, even Cordelia watched out for her. They were all protective of her, wanted to keep her alive. So, of course she's loyal to all her friends, it's just something that's normal to her. Not many people in my life cared if I lived or died. I guess that's why I was jealous of her, I mean everyone wants someone to care about them. But, I think I wanted more than just one or two people, I wanted friends, a family- a normal life. But I know what an impossibility that is. I'm a Slayer, like Buffy. She's the only person in the world who can come close to truly understanding me. But she's also a little naïve about some things, human nature, that kind of thing.

It's been pretty peaceful lately; it makes me a bit suspicious-and restless. Oh, sure we go out patrolling, and we meet up with some vampires, but they're so wimpy. Really, like threatening to rip my throat open and feast on my blood is really a new one. Sheesh, as if I don't hear some variation of that one all the time. Whatever happened to creativity? It's so blandly fortune cookie-ish.

Buffy and I are finally at a happy point in our relationship though, but then why do I feel like it's all going to go to hell? Maybe because living in Sunnydale, and being a Slayer has taught me "gone to hell in a hand basket" is not just a phrase someone made up, it can be a reality. Even on just a less cosmic scale, my relationship could hypothetically end tomorrow. I guess that's why we have to take things one day at a time, and cherish the moments we have in between birth and death. In reality, we are born alone, and we die alone. We will all go into that supposed great white light by ourselves. There are arguments that our loved ones await us on the other end of this light, but I don't exactly have that many loved ones. So, what matters most is how we spend our lives and the people we spend it with. I hope I can spend the duration of my time on earth with Buffy. But I wonder if this happiness isn't just the calm eye of the hurricane.

I haven't told Buffy this, because I don't know what she'll say, but there were times when I was in my coma, that I was fully aware of my situation. I wanted to give up, and just be done. Living can be hard, and it's a mean world; but something kept me here on earth, when I was ready to give up. Like, something just would not let me die. I now think that maybe it was just the very essence of Buffy, calling me back to her. I'd like to think it's because she loved me so dearly, but I think in reality, she wanted me to come back so that we could talk about things. Closure. Everyone needs closure to fully get over the shit that flies. But, you know me, I just take all of life's bruises and move on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I do really love Buffy. But at the same time, so much has happened between us, I'm a little dubious about it working out. And it makes me so fucking furious that I even have a tinge of doubt about the longevity of this relationship. The rest of the world can scorn what Buffy and I have, our friends can be doubtful and I'd be able to handle it. What I can't handle is ME having the nerve to be doubtful, after all I did to her. It's so obvious that I ought to follow my own advice "deal and move on." Sometimes, I even feel like giving up, because that's what comes easiest to me, I don't have to deal with pesky things like feeling. But then I think about how she'd never give up.

"You never give up, do you?" I once asked her.

"Not on my friends, no."

*********

Faith opened the door to her motel room, and saw that she already had a visitor. She thought the blaring music was coming from her room, but she frankly hoped the terrible music and the slightly off-key singing came from another unit. But she knew Buffy's singing voice anywhere, and she rolled her eyes as she walked into her room and saw Buffy clad only in a bra and underwear singing "Achy Breaky Heart." She was dancing around, treating a wide-tooth comb as a microphone. The blonde did not hear Faith come in, and Faith was amused as Buffy continued to gyrate and sing at the top of her lungs, her back still turned to the younger girl.

Finally, Faith couldn't take Billy Ray Cyrus anymore. "Achy Breaky Heart" was one of the few songs that Faith never wanted to hear again as long as she lived. She turned off her stereo and said "hey," as sweetly as she could manage. Buffy was visibly startled, and turned around to see Faith trying hard not to burst into laughter.

"Not one word, lady." Buffy said.

Faith smirked. "Nope. None," a grin unconsciously started to creep on her features. She slapped a hand over her mouth, and walked out of the room, closing the door. Seconds later, Buffy heard raucous laughter. Faith walked back into the room, looking considerably together.

"That was real cute, B. Maybe one day you and I can go on a road trip like those two girls in the Aerosmith video. You got the whole dancing and striptease thing down pat."

"Shush."

"Oh, yeah. You're so tough. You listen to Billy Ray CYRUS? You violate the sanctity of my stereo with that stuff? Oh, Buffy." Faith cast a melodramatic pose, and mock-fainted onto the bed. "Oh, woe is me. Alack. Alack."

Buffy put her hands on her hips. "Are you done yet?"

"Well, for the time being. But expect more teasing about this on a later date. C'mon, get dressed. We have patrolling to do."

"You really know how to show a girl a good time don't you, Faith?"

Faith shrugged. "Long nights of side-by-side heavy action full of sweating and grunting as we knock the undead into oblivion? I thought you enjoyed it."

Buffy scowled. "My, aren't you a clever girl."

Buffy put on some comfortable clothing and the two slayers were out the door. They walked in companionable silence as they patrolled the streets and graveyards of Sunnydale. It was still quiet in Sunnydale, almost too quiet. Each girl could feel deep within her bones that something big was going to happen. The residents of a small California town called Sunnydale went on with their daily lives, oblivious to the fact of possible imminent death.

Faith wondered what it was about Sunnydale that made its residents turn a blind eye to all the darker evils. Although the town lay on the Hellmouth, Faith supposed they'd been largely sheltered from the more well-known evils of the world. There wasn't a lot of violence done by humans in Sunnydale, the demons seemed to have a monopoly on it.

Briefly, Faith wondered if that's what made Buffy so trusting of others, always willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Faith smiled wryly when she realised that she was exaggerating Buffy's faith in humanity, although not by much. The girl did grow up in Los Angeles, where deals to the devil for fame, money and ephemeral happiness were probably made daily.

"Hey." Buffy's voice interrupted her thoughts, as a finger jammed into Faith's ribs.

"Ow!" Faith yelped, in surprise. "What?"

"What do you mean 'what'? I've only been trying to get your attention for the last twenty minutes, Miss Spacey Girl. What're you thinking about anyway?"

"Nothing." Faith said quickly.

"No, really."

"Okay, I was thinking about how in the hell I ended up dating someone who would listen to Billy Ray Cyrus."

"Ha Ha. Very funny. Seriously, what were you thinking about? You got this little eyebrow crinkle."

"I was contemplating Greek tragedy iambic trimeter meter."

"Try again."

"I was contemplating Bohr's model of the atom."

"Ahem, Faith. Just because you're taking those GED courses doesn't mean you can use the knowledge to get out of telling me what's on your mind. We're gonna have to work on that."

"Honestly? I was just thinking about a lot of random stuff."

"Care to share?"

"Duck!"

Buffy ducked her head, and felt a vampire whoosh over her.

"Now we get some action, B!" Faith yelled.

In fifteen minutes flat, they had staked eight vampires. Faith was breathing slightly heavily, "see, B? Toldja all it took was fifteen minutes. Right down to business . . ."

Buffy rolled her eyes, and slapped Faith's arm playfully. "Yeah, but if I recall we weren't talking about vampires . . . we have to go meet Giles in about twenty minutes. Think we can put your theory into practice?"

"Why Miss Summers, are you propositioning me to do something *nasty* in a public place?"

"Oh like it'd be a first time. It was YOUR fault we got caught. What was with you doing that "reeeeee" thing? You watch an episode of 'Friends' and . . . "

"You do know that I hate you?"

"Yes."

"Good."

Kate rolled her eyes. "My ex-boyfriend," she explained.

Buffy frowned. Faith scowled again. "Katie, I swear if you're seeing that guy again, I'm going to knock your ass back to Ko-"

"Yeah, yeah. You'll knock my ass back to Korea. I've heard it before. Look. Roger found me in Los Angeles, but it's only because I left a trail the size of the Golden Gate bridge. He wanted the money we stole from him."

"Shit!"

"Yeah, no shit, that was my reaction."

"Fuck me," Faith hissed.

"No thanks, I'm quite happy with my "non-relationship" with Cordelia. Anyway, he didn't know for sure it was us that took the money, but I just want to let you know that he's searchin' for you, so be on your guard."

"You drove all the way from L.A. to tell me this? What's the matter with phones?"

"You don't want to see my oh-so cute face?"

"Well, it's not very cute now."

"Fuck you. Actually, I have some stuff to do here in Sunnydale. I have to pick up some official transcripts for Cordelia . . . where would I go for that? I mean the whole school was destroyed right?"

"No clue."

"Well, anyway . . . I didn't realise that Roger may be following me, but I guess if it came to something as simple as physical blows, you'll be all right.

Faith looked at her. "Does it hurt?"

"No, not really. I'm fine."

"Where are you going to sleep tonight?"

Kate shrugged. "Don't worry. I have a place."

"Where?"

"Faith. Don't give me the fucking third degree."

"Where?"

"Faith. I told you I had some shit to do here. I'm doing a paper on demonology, and I figured, what better place?"

"You're staying here with us."

"Uh, I don't think so. You think I want to hear the two of you going at it? Not bloody likely. I'll see you later." Kate began to trot away. "Besides, *you'll* have to be the one to explain to Buffy about the money we stole from Roger!"

Faith stared at Kate's retreating form. "Awww, bugger" she muttered, doing a perfect imitation of Kate.

"Yeah, *you'll* have to explain exactly what she meant by that."

Faith sighed and unlocked her door. "Let's go inside, order some food. I'm starved."

"You're just going to let her go?"

"B, with Katie sometimes you have to. Yeah, sometimes you just have to give up and let people go," Faith said softly.

"But sometimes, all the trouble is worth it."

They walked back into the tiny motel room. They changed into something more comfortable and ordered Chinese food for the third night in a row.

"Don't you have some studying to do?" Faith asked.

"Yes, but you do too."

"But your stuff is more important."

"No it's not."

"Oh, come on. Sure it is."

"Faith, nothing in my life is any more important than anything in yours. Dig?"

"Yeah, yeah. I dig."

"So, tell me about this money you stole . . ."

"Well, stealing is such a strong word . . . a few years ago, Kate met Roger . . . he's six years her senior, which basically makes him the youngest guy she's ever dated that I know about. The skank."

Buffy chuckled.

"Katie and I were in Connecticut one summer a few years ago, and she met Roger, who is fucking huge. He's like fucking Jonah Lomu, B. Bigger, even. And you know Katie, she's fucking tiny. Anyway, when she was dating Roger, I didn't really see much of her, I mean, it's not like we ever saw each other everyday or anything, but I saw so little of her, I got suspicious. We were, after all, in another state, I thought at least I'd see more of her around you know? She was the one that dragged me there. He was beating the crap out of her, B. Katie can take care of herself, but this guy just basically sat on top of her and hit her. I was fucking pissed off, you know? So, what happened was, it was right before K and I were going to head back to Boston and she found out that he deals drugs to highschool kids and little middle-schoolers. Scum.

He'd taken a large sum of her money, and she decided she wanted to get it back before she left, plus interest. We made him think she and I were going to . . . well, you know, with him . . . at the same time, and uh, we got him extremely inebriated. You have no idea how hard it was to procure that much alcohol or how expensive . . . jeezus. Then we tied him up, and made him up to look like a clown, and we took some pictures . . .obviously, he's pissed off at us, but he hasn't ever come looking for us. Something must be up if he is."

"Ever notice that Kate always seems to bring trouble when she wears the blue shirt to Sunnydale?"

Faith looked at Buffy quizzically and then burst into laughter.

"But what if that guy did follow Kate here, and now she's all alone . . ."

Faith shrugged. "She's carrying a knife in her boot. I saw it."

"She'd KILL him?"

"Hopefully, she'll just settle for castration."

"Faith, seriously."

"Honestly? K's been a little unpredictable since she's come to L.A. She's changed a lot from how I knew her in Boston. I don't know what'll happen if Roger stalked her here. I think she held back when he was kicking the shit out of her, but I don't think she'd hold back now. We'll see,I guess."

Buffy's mouth parted, as if she had something to say. Then it closed.

"Why the fuck did he want me to go to Connecticut so badly?" Faith queried, interrupting Kate from her tale.

"I'll get to it." Kate faced Buffy. "You see, my parents lived in Boston, but I went to boarding school in Connecticut. Scholarship kid all my life, it seems." Kate sounded a bit bitter. "Anyway, my parents came to talk to the headmaster at my school, because I got in some trouble, and my parents came up to squash it, so I wouldn't get kicked out. They were driving back to Boston when it happened."

"You never told me that," Faith said softly.

Kate's face was a mask. "That's why I hate going back to Connecticut, amongst other reasons."

Buffy looked at Kate sympathetically.

"Anyway," Kate said, quickly changing the subject, "I got to Connecticut, found my target, and started dating Roger."

"So, let me get this straight. You knew this Roger guy long before you actually met him?" Buffy asked.

Kate nodded. "He gave Sen some bum ecstasy, and Sen being the little wimp wanted to retaliate. He asked me to do a bit of manipulation and seduction."

"How old were you?" Buffy asked.

"I was about fifteen, this was when Faith and I were living together in a foster home. We got to go to Connecticut under the guise of an academic program at Yale."

"But why did this guy want Faith to come with you so badly?" Buffy queried.

"Geez, the two of you and your three-track minds."

"Three-track?" Faith and Buffy asked simultaneously.

"Yeah, three-track. Screwing, Slaying and why Sen wanted Faith in Connecticut."

"Lame." Faith stated, rolling her eyes.

"I know." Kate said. "All right. So, in a way, Faith . . . I played you that day. I got you to come with me, all because Sen asked me to."

Faith took in a deep breath. "I knew all along that nostalgia couldn't be the only reason. I thought then that some masochistic part of you wanted to go back to the place where your parents died, but when you never even talked about it . . . well, I thought that was the reason you left me alone so much that summer. I guess I just wanted to believe that I was going to be there for you or something."

"I had my ulterior motives."