When did life get so hard? I have all these horrible feelings. Should I really hate this person this much? What did she do to me beside pretend to like me then dump me the first chance she got?

She found someone new that's what it was. She found someone who worshipped her more than I did. She found someone to take my place as her beloved and then she threw me to the side like I was a used and unwanted napkin. I had sopped up her emotions and was too bogged down by their weight for her to need me anymore. I had served my purpose.

Hadn't I exalted her enough? Hadn't I praised her quick wit and her undeniable talent enough? Hadn't I worshipped every inch of her body well enough. I was willing to give her my body, my soul and most importantly, my heart.

I had given her my love; I had given her my security. I think she realized this and that's why she fucked me over like she did. Stupid bitch.

I'm to the point now where my sadness has transformed into a mind numbing hate. There isn't anything, evil or not, that I hate more than her now. But...

My bitter rage doesn't keep me from wanting her to talk to me again. It doesn't keep me from crying into my pillow at night because I miss her. It doesn't erase the love I felt for her. Not felt, feel. I still love her and for that I hate myself.

She's a fucking whorebitch and I want to hurt her. I want to kill her slowly and watch the blood ooze from her as I tell her that what was happening to her was because I couldn't let her get away with treating people the way she does.

It's all about her. She only sees herself. Everybody exalts her and it only feeds her massive ego.

She's never given me an explanation of why she left me. She's never even acknowledged the fact that I exist after she left. She doesn't see me anymore because she doesn't want to and to her, I don't exist. I'm not even a memory. I hate her. I hate her for treating me so badly then making me come back for more. She used me. And I let myself be used because in my fucked up mind, I thought it was friendship. I thought it was love. I let her in and I let her take. I didn't care if she gave because I've always given more than I've taken in real relationships.

Why did she drop me? Why didn't she care? Or more importantly, why did she pretend to care, why did she pretend to be my friend in the beginning? Was it a game, a sick fucking game where she tried to see how well she could play me?

I realize now that she never loved me. I realize now that she was never my friend.

And it hurts.

It hurts so fucking bad. It makes my heart clench and my belly ache.

I hear her name and I see red. My blood boils and I want to shove sharp things into her. I've never had real restraint when it's comes to my temper. I've broken many things because I've needed release.

I fucking hate her? Why couldn't she have loved me? Why did she have to pretend? Why did she make me love her? Why won't she even acknowledge my existence? I'm invisible to her. My heart doesn't matter.

Fucking bitch! Oh, well, I'll get over it, right? I'll learn to live without her. Someday I'll tell her how I feel. I'll tell her about how goddamn used I feel. I'll confront her about her betrayal and her hypocrisy.

One day Buffy Summers will know without a doubt that you just do not treat Faith Dobson like she's a napkin to be used once and then discarded. She'll know what it's like to be in my position and she'll know pain.

She'll know the pain that I know. She'll feel the fire, burning at her soul, like I do. She'll know what it is to be hurt and she'll know what it is to be me.

~**~

End