It's when we actually get to the airport that I regret the choice. The idea of seeing the people that I left behind and trying to return to my life is enough to send me reeling for the bathroom. Faith stands outside the stall with her arms crossed as I rid my stomach of anything and everything inside of it. I come out and gaze at myself in the mirror. I'm pale, gaunt. Sickly.

"I can't do this," I mumble, gripping the sink for balance.

"You can," Faith says, handing me a wet paper towel. I wipe my face and look in the mirror again. The sight of myself makes me want to vomit again. I look like something the cat dragged in after playing with it for awhile. I'm clean, but that's about all I can give myself. My cheeks are sunken hollows, my eyes dead and empty. The body that I once thought was at least semi-attractive now looks bony and disgusting.

"I look like shit," I say simply, pulling at the skin under my eyes.

"You did it to yourself," is her just-as-simple response. I offer her a glare. "It's true. I didn't say you couldn't fix it." She shrugs.

Just then, a middle-aged woman comes in with a young girl of about four or five, with long dark hair and bright blue eyes. She gazes at me and tugs on the woman's shirt. "Mommy, mommy. Is that girl very sick?"

The woman looks at me apologetically. "I don't know, honey," she whispers. "Do you have to go to the bathroom?" The girl shakes her head. "Are you sure?" Another shake. "Okay. Stay right there and don't move." She enters a stall and the girl looks at me again. She looks back at the stall door, and moves towards me.

"Excuse me," she says in a very tiny voice. "Are you very sick?" I don't know what else to say, so I nod my head. I am sick. Just-not the kind she's talking about. "We are going to see my cousin Celia." The name cuts through my soul like a knife. "She is very sick, too. My mommy says that we have to take care of people who are very sick." She digs in her pocket and pulls out a wrapped Tootsie Roll, then offers it to me. "I like these when I don't feel good."

I feel tears welling in my eyes again and I gently take the candy. "Thank you," I say softly.

"Hope, let's go," her mother says, coming out of the stall.

Hope throws her arms around my waist. "I hope you feel better." She turns and runs out the door.

Faith is sitting on the sink, an unreadable expression on her face. I look at the slightly smushed candy, and hold it tight, then slide it into my pocket. I grab my duffel bag.

"Ready?" Faith asks, hopping down.

"As I'll ever be." I take a deep breath and walk out the door.

~*~

Our gate is a mob scene. Faith looks around in dismay at all the crying children, sulking teenagers, and angry adults. "I'll be right back," she says, dropping her duffel at my feet. She dives into the mass of people, and I half expect to see her surface above them and crowd-surf her way to the ticket counter. As it is, I know she darted undeneath at least one person's legs-a muscular football player who I believe only let her get away with it because as she pushed forward, he got a good view of her ass.

It was nearly ten minutes until she came flying out of the crowd again. "We're being rerouted," she reported with a frustrated look.

"Rerouted? To where?"

"Canada."

"What?!" She's got to be kidding. "Canada? What the hell is in Canada?"

"Canadians. And us, soon. Let's go." She grabs my arm and her bag and tugs me towards another gate. I consider asking why we're being rerouted, and why to Canada, but I decide it's best to just not.

~*~

I'll skip the flight to Canada, including the dinner that I spilled on myself, and the young boy next to me who spilled his dinner on me as well. And his drink. And the contents of his stomach when we hit turbulence. Lucky for him (and my sanity), Faith took it upon herself to enter the bathroom while I was changing and introduce me to the wonders of the Mile High Club. I was a lot calmer after that.

From Canada, we boarded another plane to Los Angeles. The flight was fairly uneventful, with the exception of the landing, during which I was very thankful to whomever decided each seat should have its own barf bag. Following that was a charter plane to Sunnydale, where I stepped off the plane and proceeded to faint into the arms of a guy I didn't recognize.

Home, sweet home.

~*~

I woke up to find myself laying in the backseat of a car. "Faith..?" I mumbled, feeling very disoriented.

"I'm here, Buff," I heard her say. I blinked a few times and looked up. My head was cradled on her lap, and the car was moving. "Where are we?"

"Sunnydale. You fainted. Guess it was a little too much for you." She was petting the top of my head.

"Who's driving?" I asked as the car pulled over. The driver leaned back and offered me a slight smile.

"Hey, Buffy."

I furrowed my brows. I knew him.. Oh my god.. "Oz?" His hair was a little longer, and red, and his face had changed a bit, but it was still him.

"The one and only," he said with a nod.

"Where's Willow?"

"Here." I look out the window. We're at Giles' apartment. I feel my breath catch in my throat. Faith helps me out of the car and up to the door. I pause, then knock weakly. The door is pulled open by a young woman with long black hair and an eyebrow ring. She blinks as she looks at me, then leans against the doorjam with a small smile.

"Buffy." Her voice hasn't changed at all. "Welcome home, Buffy."

I can't do anything but stare. Her black hair is extremely long, almost down to her butt, and pin-straight. My eyes are drawn back up to the eyebrow ring, a tiny rainbow-colored metallic loop over her left eye. She's wearing a black baby-tee and a long black skirt under which black boots peek out from. Her eyes have sort of a greenish tinge to them and are surprisingly friendly as she looks at me.

I blink. "Willow?"

She smiles warmly. "I didn't think you'd recognize me."

"How could I not?" I ask softly, and she holds her arms out to me. I step closer and we embrace tightly. I feel more at ease already. "I thought maybe you wouldn't recognize me."

She steps back and shrugs. "You haven't changed that much. Physically, I mean. A little too skinny," she says, reaching out and pinching my side lightly. "But I like the hair." I absently reach up and touch a few purple locks near my face.

"Thanks."

"Come on in. They're waiting."

I step inside and suddenly I'm in another world. Giles' apartment looks the same as it always did, save for a few people I don't recognize decorating his furniture. I feel very anxious suddenly, and turn around to look for my security blanket. Faith is right behind me, carrying our bags.

She reaches over and high fives Willow. "Hey Red."

Willow rolls her eyes. "I'm not a redhead anymore!"

Faith loops her arm around Willow's shoulders. "Yes, but the memory lingers on," she says dramatically. They laugh.

"Buffy, this is Tara," Faith says, motioning to a blonde girl sitting on a chair in the corner. "She and Willow-" She cuts herself off as Willow goes over and sits on Tara's lap, laying her head on her shoulder. "Never mind," she says with a grin.

"That's Doyle," she continues, pointing to a short, black-haired, blue-eyed young man drinking scotch straight from the bottle. He raises his hand in a casual salute. "He gets these visions of when people are going to be in trouble, yadda yadda yadda. That's Wesley," a man who looks freakishly like a young Giles. "He's my Watcher, although.. I never actually listen to him." He rolls his eyes and returns to his book.

"And I believe you know this man," Faith says, lowering her voice and her eyes. I look up in the doorway, and there he is. His face is showing signs of age; the worry lines are deeper then I remember and his hairline has moved farther back. There's more gray in his hair than there ever was before.

"Giles.." it's half a plea for mercy and half a question of 'how?'.

He says nothing, but he seems to struggle with a decision for a moment, then he nods with a small smile. "Hello, Buffy."

Everything in the room is very still and quiet for a while. Faith flings herself on the couch, laying in Doyle's lap. "Hey, baby," she says coyly. "Didjya miss me?"

"Ay, like a hole in the bottom of my bottle," he cracks with a thick Irish accent.

Faith grabs the bottle from him and takes a drink, then hands it back.

I wish the floor would just open up and swallow me. I've never felt more out of place in my entire life. The Scooby Gang, as Xander used to call us in the old days, has completely changed.

"Cordelia?" I choke out. Faith suddenly looks worried as well, and turns her gaze to Willow.

Willow seems to deflate. "She.."

"Oh god," Faith murmurs under her breath.

"She woke up.." Willow looks uncomfortable. "But.. she doesn't remember. Anything."

Everyone in the room visibly sobers, and the Irish guy, Doyle, looks more upset than anyone. I'm guessing they were together..

At that moment the door opens and two men walk in, and they both stop, apparently incredibly surprised to see me.

"Spike?" I let out a horrified cry. It's been awhile, sure, but vampires have a tendancy to not change appearances much. Once every quarter century or so, Angel once told me, just so that they could blend.

Spike jerks his chin towards Faith. "Eh, found the little chit, did ya?"

Faith offers him a grin. "That I did, Willie."

Spike's grin fades. "Bloody 'ell, woman.. I've asked you not to call me that."

"I'm aware. But it gets you all tangled up in your panties, so I just have to," Faith vaults over the couch and embraces Spike, then the other man who'd walked in with him.

He has dirty blonde hair and blue eyes that have just the slightest ring of gold around the pupil. He's tall, and very muscular. I wonder when they started recruiting the football team as members of the scooby society..

"Buff, you know Spike," Faith introduces me to my immortal enemy nonchalantly, then motions at the football guy. "And this is Riley."

I offer him a shy smile and am rewarded with a dissapproving look from him. I unconsciously take a step backwards. Yet another person I don't know but have managed to piss off already.

Faith takes note of the look, and inches her way back over to me. "Buffy, Riley was part of a government branch that captured assorted demons and did testing on them. They also figured out a way to neuter them, which is why Spike is on our team now."

Spike growls. "You'd do well not to use the term 'neutered' again, Missy.."

Faith offers him an innocent smile. "Anyway, the government disbanded that branch, the Initiative, when an experiement with demony-things went horribly wrong and we ended up having to battle this really big, gross, powerful half-demon, half-man thing named Adam. Long story short, Riley and Spike work with us now."

I open my mouth, close it, and open it again. "It's daylight out."

Spike smirks at me. "Gem of Amara, luv. It's a handy little gadget. Keeps me from being all Crispy-Critter'ed when I go out in the sunlight."

Faith rolls her eyes. "He's so proud of himself for finding that damn ring. If a vampire wears it, it makes them invincible."

I sink down onto the couch, nearly sitting on Doyle's lap. So much has happened..

"What about everyone else? My mom? Amy? Drusilla?"

"Your mom's fine, B. She's at your house right now, with Dawn-who's a long story. She's this mystical key type thing that we have to keep safe. But it's all good. Amy works with us, too. Her, Wills, Tara, and this boy Michael are like Witches, Incorporated. They take care of all our otherworldy needs-"

Spike cuts Faith off. "And Drusilla's gone off to a better place. Dumped 'er ashes down by the docks."

This is.. so not the world I left behind. It went on without me. I guess I was almost stupid enough to think that everything would be the same as I'd left it; that I was the only one who'd changed. Once again, my idiotic tendencies are brought to light.

There's so many people involved now.. even another Slayer.. they don't need me anymore. I consider bolting out the door, when a young girl comes through it. Christ, how many people can actually fit in Giles' apartment?

"Is that Buffy?" she asks Faith, nodding towards me.

"Yep. Buff, that's the infamous Dawn." I nod my head in greeting, too confused and stunned to do anything else.

She wrinkles her nose. "She's skinny. Are you sure she can fight vampires?"

Everyone in the room tries to hide their snickering. I feel like crying. They all know each other, they're all comfortable with each other. Even Spike has a place with them. There's nowhere for me. Anything I might have had a shot at being was gone. The Slayer-Faith had that covered. A big sister figure-seems Willow and Tara had that, as Dawn had immediately headed over in that direction and made herself comfortable right between them. Even any slight romantic possibilities were gone, as the extremely good-looking Riley was still glaring at me.

Giles was staring around at all the people. "What are you all doing in my flat? I thought we'd discussed this, these invasions on my home."

Willow giggles and tucks a few long, dark strands of hair behind her ears. "We can't help it. No matter how big of a headquarters we get, we'll always want to hang out with you. We love you!"

Giles shakes his head and dissappears back into his kitchen.

"Headquarters?" I ask quietly.

Doyle was the only one who heard me, and he turns to look at me. "Yep, Giles runs a magic shop, with a big back storage place. We hold the meetin's there."

"Oh." Boy do I have a headache.

~*~

I don't feel much better several hours later, when Faith brings me back to my old house, with Dawn in tow. They both live there now, apparently. Faith has my old bedroom, and Dawn has what used to be the guest room.

Faith doesn't even bother knocking, just waltzes into the house. "Yo! Mom, you home?" she calls out.

Mom? She calls her Mom? I feel my heart drop into my stomach.

Dawn took up the chant. "Mom! I'm back! Faith's home! She brought a really skinny blonde girl with her!"

I stare at the back of Dawn's head, at her long brown hair. A skinny blonde girl? I'm her daughter! I think I might throw up, but I haven't eaten anything since the plane ride.

And then she comes out, wiping her hands with a dish towel. She stops and leans in the doorway.

"Buffy.." she says, her expression unreadable.

"Hey.." I say lamely. I can't even bring myself to call her Mom. She doesn't look like the Mom I left behind. She's aged a lot in just three years. But there's also something else different about her. She seems.. more at ease than she ever was with me. Less stressed. I guess Dawn and Faith make her happy. I guess I never really did.

She gives me a warm smile. "Hot chocolate?" she offers, motioning in towards the kitchen.

Dawn bounds into the room without thinking twice about it, and plops herself down in a chair. "Yes please!" she calls from inside. Faith and Mom laugh. Mom shakes her head good-naturedly and Faith wanders over to Dawn and surprises her with a tickle-attack.

I feel like a stranger. LIke I'm witnessing something very private; a family thing; something that I'm not a part of and never will be. You gave it up, remember, Buff? Big love, big loss? Well now look at what you've lost. Are you happy now?

Faith tilts her head up to me and seems to read my thoughts. She releases Dawn from her grasp and comes over to me. She tugs me into a corner of the room, my back to the wall, and leans in close.

"It's gonna take some time, B. It's been three years," she whispers. I look past her to where Dawn is trying to fold her napkin into an origami thing of some kind. "She's not a replacement, Buff.. Joyce needed someone to nurture, you know? And when Dawn came along, it just made sense. She doesn't even sleep in your bedroom. I do. And I never thought it was mine, okay?"

I bite my lip and try to hold back tears. Faith kisses me quickly, and hugs me, then turns back to Dawn.

Dawn's jaw is practically dragging on the floor, and her eyes are wide. She points to us. "Y-you guys are like Willow and Tara!" she hisses.

Faith smirks. "Nah, we don't have any magical powers."

Dawn shuts her mouth, then opens it again. "What if Mom-"

Faith cuts her off by putting a finger to her own lips. "She won't. Right, Dawn?" she takes on a stern tone.

The younger girl blinks, then sighs. "Just my luck. I get to know all the cool stuff but I can't tell anyone."

Just then, Mom walks in. "Did you say something about Willow and Tara?" she asks Dawn.

Faith shoots Dawn a *Look*. Dawn smiles sweetly at Mom. "Oh yeah. They're teaching me some of the stuff they do together. With ice. And candles. It's cool."

I burst into laughter for the first time in months, maybe even years. My Mom looks at Dawn, and seems to struggle with the decision of whether to say anything or not. She opts for not, sets down the hot chocolate, and leaves the room, shaking her head all the while.

I catch Faith's glance and nearly crack up again. This is what it should be like; what it should have always been like. I have to keep reminding myself that this is my fault; I can't be angry at them for not allowing me to melt right back into their lives as though nothing had happened. It's just not that simple. Nothing's that simple.

"Faith! Can you come here for a second?" Mom's voice rings out from the kitchen. Faith catches my eye again, shrugs, and dissappears, leaving me alone with Dawn.

I uneasily take a seat across from her. "How old are you?" I ask conversationally.

"Fourteen. You're like, old now, right? Mom says you left a long time ago. But that it seems like it was yesterday."

That hurt. I know it wasn't meant that way.. I think it wasn't meant that way. But it sounds as if I wasn't gone long enough.. "Yeah. It's been awhile."

"Faith lives in your room now. I guess you can sleep on the floor," she says, picking up her hot chocolate again.

"Gee. Thanks," I say dryly. This keeps getting better and better.

"Sure," she responds, completely unaware of my sarcasm. Thankfully, Faith re-enters the room at that moment and tugs me over to the corner again. "What is it?"

"Mom wants to talk to you and I, after Dawn goes to bed," her expression is completely neutral.

"W-what about?" I practically choke on the words. Was she going to kick me out again already?

"Just.. stuff. You know. So, not that you would but.." Faith trails off and shifts her weight form one foot back to the other.

I nod with an ironic and slightly hurt smile. "Don't go anywhere."

~*~

After we eat dinner, clean up the kitchen, and watch the news for a bit, Mom turns to Dawn. "Time for bed."

Dawn looks as though she might protest, then seems to think better of it. "Okay. Night, Mom. Night, Faith. Night Buffy."

We're all silent for a few more minutes, then Mom gets up. "Coffee?" she offers.

Faith and I both nod our agreement, and she goes into the kitchen. Faith stands and leads me into the dining room, where, presumably, the interrogation is going to take place.

"You're gonna be fine, I'm sure she's just.. curious.. about what you did and why you left," she reaches across the table to take my hand in hers. I feel better.

Mom comes into the room and sets three mugs of coffee down. I dutifully take my light, sweet coffee, and decide not to mention that I drink it black now. Mom sits and sighs.

"Buffy. It's been.. a long time."

"I know," I whisper, already feeling tears in my eyes. What a wuss I've turned into. A few days ago, I cried at nothing. Now I can't seem to stop crying.

"And a lot of things.. they aren't the same as when you left. People have come and gone, we've all changed." I nod. "But some things never change. You're always going to be my daughter. I'm sorry that the last thing we did was fight, and I'm sorry that you thought you couldn't come home. But.. Buffy.. you can always come home. No matter what. I don't care how old you are, what you've done, where you've been.. you're my daughter and I love you."

I crack. The tears flow freely down my face, and I feel my Mom take one of my hands in to hers, and clutch it to her chest.

"Oh, Buffy.. Sweetheart.."

I try desperately to get a hold of myself and finally manage to. I take the tissues that Faith offers me, and wipe my eyes and nose.

Mom nods a little. "I'm going up to bed. I'll leave you two for now." She picks up her coffee mug, sets it on the counter, and starts up the stairs. "I love you, Buffy," she calls after a moment.

"Me too, Mom.." I say, wiping away another tear. Too many emotions all at once.

Faith moves over into Mom's seat and wraps her arms around my neck. "I love you too, B."

The moment of truth. She feels it, that deep connection, that undeniable tie between us. And she does love me. Can I love her? Am I even capable of it anymore? Mom is a different story, sort of. I came from her-there's always that bond between us. When you think about it, I sort of came from Faith as well, though. And she came from me. I hesitate for a moment and feel her cling even tighter. It seems like a plea. I feel the connection, I know it's there.. but love?

I don't know if I'm ready..

She pulls back, her face emotionless. "I'm going to bed." She stands abruptly, and I feel her absence from my arms as though someone is tearing my soul right out of my body. She turns to walk out of the room. I'm losing her.. I'm losing everything I gained..

The phone is ringing. Faith stops dead in her tracks and grabs the phone before it can, presumably, wake Dawn up. "Hello? Oh he-what? She does? Okay, wait, let me put you on speakerphone." She clicks a button and Willow's voice rings through.

"Cordelia remembers! Not everything, and there's a lot of stuff that's still blurry. But she does remember. She says she's thankful even for just the memories she has, and can't wait to get up and start making some new ones."

Faith's face is lit up with a kind of luminescence and happiness I haven't seen on her before. She looks radiantly beautiful, overjoyed. Cordelia's okay. Willow's okay. I'm okay, she's okay, we're all okay.

I stand and pull Faith to me, burying my face in her neck. "I love you too," I say softly, and honestly. She embraces me tightly, running her fingers through my brightly streaked hair. I'm already starting to fit in again, I already have soemthing in common with Them.

Cordelia absolutely can't wait to get back to living her life..

..and neither can I.