Here I am. I finally did it. I got myself locked up, in LA no less. The City of Angel's my ass... I only had to kill a few people... thought it'd be less, then those fucking cops didnt even find me, I had to turn myself in. How pathetic is that? I feel worthless. Angel says otherwise. Hm. Now there's something I'm thankful for. Angel. Without him, I'd be dead...

Wesley would be dead, that's for sure, I can't believe how much I hated him for abandoning me. Turning me in to the Council... Bastard. I couldnt take anyone else turning on me, one right after another... my mom... the losers id fuck... useless.

I thought I would change when I showed in Sunnydale.. be the perfect little Slayer. Right. Old habits die hard, or whatever they say. Id would become Buffy. Buffy. How perfect is that name? God, I hated her... she has, still has, everything I wanted... bitch. I didnt need another guilt trip for me. I'm already on one.. I didnt mean to kill the Deputy Mayor, I really did think he was a vamp... then B was all 'oh no! what have you done!?' shit.

What the fuck did she think happened? I killed a man. I did care... But I didnt know what to do.. Buffy with her black & white world. Buffy good. Faith bad. Buffy equals perfection. Faith equals failure. B is light, I'm dark.

Well not anymore. Times change, Im gonna get my redemption.. Angel said he'd help me.. I can do it. I will do it. Then I'll finally be free. Ok, if I'm gonna change, I have to get over myself.. I have to get past my problems. I have to get on to a more productive subject. Buffy. Not B! Damnit! Every time i try to get a little Faith-in-her-own-mind time, she comes up!

Well, I guess that's my fault too. This redemption stuff is for the birds.. But, I did fuck her over a few times... Several actually, did a good job of it too.. Go me. Stop! That was wrong! Bad. Big No to doing that again. need to make a mental list of who to apologize too.. Buffy is at the top.. Wes too. I really am sorry, I need to make it better with them. I need to serve my time first. I need to do a little for Faith while im here, then I can be somebody. Not different, just more of a contributor to the world. Ill serve my country... Without actually doing that.