I know what loneliness is.

Shit, Ive always known what it is. Its keeping the memories of nights crouched in the hallways outside your parents door listening to them scream at each other along with hazy pictures of red balloons and peanut-butter cookies. Its being able to remember only those things. Its the thing which makes you pull your jacket close around you on a warm night. Its the longing to be touched yet the utter disgust you feel when youre touched. Its standing outside looking in. Its being unafraid of Death because you know youve already crawled through whatever the fuck there IS to crawl through.

Loneliness is the thing that Whispers to you when its dark.

But hey, everythings five by five, baby. After all, we live in a time of technology, right? Hungry? Places are open 24 hours. Feeling down? Ring your dealers mobile and get a fix. A 14-year-old can get a Scotch in this city, and if I feel like a bust-up I go to the clubs. Feel like getting it? go stand on a street corner and wait to get raped.

Sex, booze and drugs were my Aspirin, Mylanta and Band-Aids, but they dont work so good anymore. Or maybe they never did. I cant figure out which scares me more.

Its started raining, as if I wasnt freezing enough already. Gods an asshole; its just another word for Father, really. All I can remember about my Dad is that he was one.

I watch my boots splash through the puddles. Its really pissing down like the Niagara Falls now and the winds picked up. If I turn around and go back there will be warmth and shelter, I know that, but I cant. Ive lived inside her skin and tasted the Slurpee thats her life and Id just be kidding myself if I said I hated her. Its so much worse.

You see, I want to be her.

God sure pulled a funny on me when he put me in this body and told me to be Faith, the AntiChrist of Slayers, then put her next to me all golden-blond and shining like Mother Teresa.

I kick an empty can of Coke out of my way and watch it skitter into the mouth of the alley like an aluminium rat. I cant even hate the bitch for making me feel this way ! She had to be all fucking considerate and try to put me on the straight and narrow !

My voice bouncing around on the rain-soaked streets kind of wakes me up a little. I put my arms around myself. Im shivering a bit.

She cared. She was the only one who cared. My teeth are chattering.

Hey, lil girl?

I stop and look at the mound of walking rags with the whisky-rasp voice. What the fuck does he want? If the bastard thinks Im easy pickings he is SO wrong. The Bitch from Hell is what the last one who made that mistake called me after I sent him home with the paramedics.

This ones an old gaffer with a face like a prune. If prunes have stubble. He looks me up and down. You want a fire, kid? We got one back there. You look like crap, girl, an its only old Larry and Joe ere.

He stands back with a wacky grin which flashes brown teeth, and I see the shadowed ramp and the overhang. Shadows of light dance from an unseen fire.

The old coots being kind? I must look like a drowned rat with my hair like Chinese noodles plastered to my skull and dark shadows around my eyes. My clothes have sponged up a ton of water and Im bruised and cut all over from last night.

Hurt me to be kind, I murmur.

Say what? The old tramp eyes me suspiciously, and I shove the bottle Ive been gripping in numb fingers at him.

Single malt, you old shit. Want?

He coughs and shuffles into the alley, and I follow like Marys little lamb. Except this lamb aint snow-white.

The two old farts have scrounged in old sacks, rags and tarp smelling of kerosene. They had a fire, alright, in one of those tin drums.

Wed had a fire, last night. The memory makes me laugh out loud then choke on my own bitterness.

Old Fart No. 1 looks up. You alright, girly?

The madwoman glares out at him from under a mop of black hair.

Five by five .

Old Fart No. 2 mumbles something and they both get stuck into the whiskey.

I scoot close enough t the drum to singe myself, feeling 90% less than alright. I havent been alright since I woke up in that hospital bed.

The second, small bottle of Southern Comfort I had in my jacket unscrews easy, and I raise it in a toast to the LA Storm.

Heres a lookin at you, B.

Sweet fire down my throat and I tilt my head back. Close my damn eyes, just let it all drown, man, drown. Even when I was with them I was never one of them, you know? The feeling was never there. Everyone kind of circled around B like water going down a drain-hole. Heck, I was starting to circle her myself. Then along came Wesley. B had Giles and the Scoobies, and I had good old Wes, fresh-cutting his Brit teeth on me.

Hell, Wesley. Im sorry about it all. It mustve been tough for you too, landed with a psycho going off her rails. Im sorry about yesterday, Wes. No hard feelings, pain is pain, right?

Wrong. Rocking here, back and forth with my arms around my knees. You cant do that, because its wrong. Actually, this body gets it quite smack on, it does. Whoda thought?

I guess thats why I joined the Mayor. Oh, he was sick in his way as bad as I was, but he loved me. I was the center HE circled round. With him I didnt have to fight the darkness because he loved it as he loved the rest of me. He wanted to take care of me without asking for anything back.

Im still shivering, dammit. Got to drink more, get half that bottle of goddamn orange fire down and stop this shaking..

Since that moment when I sat up in that hospital bed Ive had this horrible, aching hole around me that wont go away. I thought Id go raving mad from the loneliness, walking the streets of Sunnydale like that guy from Planet of the Apes who never figured he was on Earth the whole time. Crap.

I remember standing outside that window looking in and thinking Hey, dij` vu ! Hearing them talk about me as I stood outside the way Id always been; on the outside looking in on that golden circle of Bs. New lives and new loves, all of them, where mine was ashes. And thats not the worst bit, baby. I know I deserve it. All the things I did and the blood Ive spilled. Ive killed people and laughed. Im the Bad girl here, the skanky Slayer whose button somehow got stuck on survive all those years ago.

And you know the really shitty thing? If Id never switched bodies with B I couldve gone on lying really well to myself that this is what I want.

She has so much. A life, a future, friends, love. Everyone loves her and wants her with them, corn-fed Iowa boy and all. Even that cute William the Bloody vamp at the Bronze. Now I dont know what Bs story with him is, but he wants her something bad. Maybe I shouldve let him do that body and popped him like a champagne bottle. Mightve been fun.

I laugh again and surprise surprise, I find Im crying. Crying and laughing like some cracked nutjob.

The two old farts have long since dropped off and theres just me and the rain.

They have him. I heard it on the damn police airwaves. Angel. Angelus. The vampire with the soul whom Ive goddamn tried to kill twice. Its what Im supposed to do, right? Im a Slayer after all. And if theres one thing Ive ever managed to be good at, its Slaying. That was the plan, see? Fulfil gospel duty and all that junk by Slaying Angel and get a clean slate and $15,000 from Wolfram and Hart doin it. Beat the Watchers Council all to hell.

I wanted it to be a good fight, a glorious fight. I wanted, I thought, to kill him and hurt B, make her feel even a bit of the pain I live with. I wanted to make Wesley scream for betraying me to the Watchers Council when he was supposed to stand up for me like Giles did with B. I wanted vengeance.

I also wanted to die. To get out of Me, to get out of being bad.

Its not that easy, baby. Its never easy.

I never thought even a vampire could move so fast, but he did. Caught that crossbow bolt right in mid-air. Cool. I said it and I meant it. After all, he IS Angelus. Shit, he sired William the Bloody and THAT ones killed two Slayers.

Shouldve been careful.

Thought it would feel good to give Wesley a taste of pain, but he just wasnt any fun. Wouldnt scream. Just looked at me with all that contempt in his eyes that told me what I was and what he dared to say to my face.

A piece of shit. Words of my own ex-Watcher.

Ive made such a mess of things. Why am I still alive?

Simple. Angels sitting in my jail cell.

I fought him like I dont remember fighting anyone before, except maybe B. Theyre the only two whove managed to really make me work up a sweat, hurt me. I was going to hurt him bad enough to make sure hed do me bad in turn.

He did. He threw us both out of a 6th floor window.

We hit that dumpster in the alley and I rolled up fighting mad, for the first time cursing all that Slayer resilience shit. What good is that when all you want to do is have someone beat you into oblivion and kill you because inside you know you deserve it and you know when he stops you hell be stopping you from hurting a lot of other people including yourself?

He just wouldnt fight back. Nothing ever works the way I want it to work.

He just stood there, all 61 of him, and took what I dished out, blocking and evading. He knew what I wanted and he wasnt gonna give it to me, and when I realised that it was just the last straw. I went beserk. I just laid into him and I was crying and screaming at him to kill me and just get it over with and he just stood there, letting me rage till I was swatting at him like some mewling chick and crying like a baby.

No, Faith. Im not going to make it easy for you.

Damn him and all his soul-thick goodness of heart !

Kill me ! Just do it ! Please .Im bad.

It was raining then just as it is now, and the aloneness was eating right through my guts. I wantedI dont know what I wanted. I guess I just needed to connect at some basic level. I needed someone to tell me it was alright and that I wasnt bad. I wanted him to touch me even if it was to hurt me because that was the only way I could stand to be touched, especially by a guy

Do you want to hurt me? You can do anything you want..lets play a game, baby..

But he touched me so softly in a way Id not felt for years. The type of touch thats not asking anything, you know? Not horny or angry or curious. It was just to tell me that he was there and he understood and it was OK. No ones ever touched me that way except the Mayor, and it all came back to me how last time he had been the one who wanted to help, him and B, and I just went and broke up all over him. Bawled like a kid and went down on my knees in that damn rain, and he actually went down on his knees in that mucky water holding me. Just shielding me with that big undead body of his like some fucking hero.

He took me back to his place afterwards. Angel Investigations, the place for do-gooders and the occult version of the Salvation Army where I was probably stray waif No #1000. Not that Wesley or that chick Cordelia liked it one bit, but what the Boss said went. Good old Wes; he always needed a Messiah to follow. Thats why he was crap as leader-boy.

Course, you can expect his attitude made me love him very muchbut OK, Id just initiated the man into the finer joys of two types of torture. What could I expect?

Well, I can tell you one thing. I sure didnt expect what happened last night.

Shit, the Southern Comforts all gone. But Im warm now and just about half-dry. Nothing here but the sound of the rain. Might as well go on while Im good and drunk, right?

The big hero gave me his bed. Fatal mistake 1. He sent Cordelia and Wesley packing, not that they needed encouragement. Fatal mistake 2. He washed the worst of the fight off me himself with a soft cloth and warm water. Fatal mistake 3.

Hed lit a fire. We didnt talk much. I was just too tired inside and out and hes Brood-Boy, remember? Waste hes a vamp; hed have made a great nurse.

Anyway there I was with my shirt off, lying face-down on the bed as he poked and prodded my back and cleaned up the cuts and dug out embedded glass. Did it hurt? Of course it hurt ! I was looking around, though. Never actually gotten the chance to check out a real settled vampire pad. Kind of restrained, guy taste with lots of dark colours, less modern gothic or torture-chamber than Id been thinking. Loads of books everywhere but so neat, not even clothes tossed around. I thought guys were supposed to have shirts on the floor and underwear hanging off a chair, you know?

Hed just pulled out a nasty piece of broken window out of my muscles and to keep from screaming out in pain or moaning in ecstasy, whichever way you take it, I blurted, The sheets smell like you.

Talk about dumb ! That sounded like something Willow might have said. Then again, vampires werent supposed to have a smell, were they?

I sleep in them, he said, like that explained everything. BTW, he told me later that every vamp not only has a scent, they have a particular scent that others know right off. Cool, huh? Bet that wasnt in the Slayer handbook.

I know Im really drunk now, talking like this, but drunk is good. You dont feel the pain that much cause youre all distracted.

Normally Id have said something naughty, but I wasnt me like the me before. Im not now. Actually, was there ever a Me?

Whoa, mustnt get sidetracked.

All I said was, Are you done?

Just about. I felt the tickle of the cotton swab moving over my skin with the antiseptic, then the last bandage being placed on by cold vamp fingers.

Why the fuck are you doing this, Angel? You know that 15 grand is still sitting on your head, right? I could stake you now and get the fuck out of here.

You wont, he said calmly.

The thing was, he knew he was right. I couldnt, not after this. It was like the fabric of my life had been ripped open and I was staring an Eternity of Nothing in the face. Ive never been this scared or this unhappy before. Unhappy, Hell, try suicidal. Wolfram and Hart could take their remuneration and shove it up their asses. They couldnt help me.

You can, right? I looked up at him like some desperate martyr about to be roasted to well done at the stake. Help me? Make me better?

A shadow passed over his face. I can appreciate the irony now. Me, A Slayer, asking HIM, the Vampire of all vampires, to help make me better. But I think he gets it more than most, even B, cause he knows what its like to have bad in you that you cant control. He knows what its like to have to try and fight it, or the fucking mental orgasm of just giving in to it.

I grabbed him by the lapel of his leather coat. I think I was feverish or something. Say it, Angel ! You can help me, right? Youll help me sort through this mess? I cant do it alone, Im too afraid and I want the pain to stop.I cant stand being alone And somewhere at this point I started to bawl again. Ugh-making, isnt it?

At the sound of alone something must have clicked, cause he kind of bent down, sat on the edge of the bed and held me like I was some kid, stroking my hair and telling me to shush and that it was alright, he promised to help me and the pain would go. He lied. It isnt going. It hasnt gone for him either. It felt so good to have someone saying that to me, holding me like that knowing it was ME and not thinking it was Buffy.I guess I wanted more. Ever since Bs boy-toy Ive been wanting more.

I kissed him.

I remember he went still as a statueor a dead guy, if you like. Whatever gets you. Point is, whatever Id done before Id never locked lips with any vamp. His mouth was cold and just a little harder than a normal guy, and I could smell that smell Id never noticed before till Id laid down on that bed. His hands kind of fluttered for a sec or two and in that second I felt it go through him: he wanted to kiss me back.

Hey, if theres one thing I know its when a guy wants me, OK? Angel needed it and he needed it bad. After all, he hadnt gotten any since he got back his soulkind of like a Catholic priest, striving against the temptation of sin. What a fucking joke. The priest, I mean.

For a dead guy he sure tasted alright. And I wanted him to touch me again the way hed done in the alley. The way that Riley, Bs beefsteak College Boy, had touched her body with me in it. Not love, I dont think Im near ready for the big L yet, but I wanted, needed to do the wacky right then.

And who am I kidding? I wanted to do the wacky with Angel, not just anyone. And not in some kind of revenge on B, dont get me wrong. He honestly wanted to help me, the big idiot. And he had the Bad in him too, just like me.

Just like me. And hes not hard on the eyes either.

I opened my mouth on his and licked across his closed lips, sliding my hands gently up his shoulders and around his neck.

Faithstop. Like he was waking up from a dream he shook himself and tried to pull back, hands catching my wrists. Faith, you dont want to do this

Why do people keep telling me to stop? I climbed into his lap, straddling him as I cupped his head in my hands and pressed my cut forehead to his. That way I could feel the boner he already had in his pants. Down, boy.

His big, melting chocolate-browns looked so confused and kind of desperate. Dont I know how desperate feels ! Hes got beautiful lashes, you know. What a waste on a guy. I want to do this, Angel. I asked you to do me the other day, remember? Right on the floor, right there. Are you gonna make me ask thrice, big boy? I wasnt smiling, wasnt laughing. He had very short stubble on his cheeks and neck that you cant see but you can feel, like hed been made halfway towards shaving-time all those years ago. Why, arent I pretty enough for you?

I always like to ask that and watch them get all flustered. Looking to say the right thing. Difference was I actually wanted his real opinion.

Course he passed with flying colours.

Faith, youre a beautiful girl, but I think youre overwrought. You an meyoull wake up tomorrow thanking me for getting up and going. He was using vamp strength then, trying to lift me off and stand up. Sorry, lover, Im a Slayer, remember? Not that easy.

He looked so surprised when I shove him flat down onto the bed and leaned over still sitting on him to put my hands on his with my elbows on his shoulders. I was kind of mad, then, I suppose, the kind of mad when youre seeing things too clearly. You get it, dont you? Right.

He wont do it with Faith, was the thought in my head. Thought Id get mad enough to dust him, but instead I felt kind of sad. Give-up despair. And feeling that way all I knew was I needed something comforting, something familiar to anchor me down. And theres nothing like crazy wild sex to make you forget. For a while.

It doesnt have to be you and me, lover. I nipped the edge of his jaw, sliding down so I was snuggled up tight over that bulge in his pants. So beautifully obvious. I can be anyone, anyone you want. Even B. Just close your eyes and imagine its Miss Perfect youre riding. Go on, the way the whole world does. He clenched his teeth and I wriggled a little, just enough to make him shift to game-face, his eyes closing as he growled. Still holding back?

You like to play games, Faith? Games ruined your life and dragged you down to where you are now. Listening to that little voice in your head is going to kill you ! The demon hissed, yellow eyes burning, and I closed mine, just feeling his body moving under me. He didnt know how right he was. The games I played were like Russian roulette with bullets labelled Self-Destruct.

Listen to me, Faith ! I opened my eyes. Angels face once more. If we do this Ill lose my soul and you just might wake up with Angelus teeth in your throat !

We. Good boy, he was getting into the groove. Fuck all, Angel. Im never going to give you a moment of perfect happiness and you know it, so whatre you so scared of? Youre telling me about running from the Truth? Youre running your own little marathon here, lover ! Like your guilt a little too much, or are we scared doing it with someone else will be cheating on Buffy?

There, said it. From the look on his face youd have thought Id staked him. For a second I thought, Bugger it Ive lost him. Hes going to hit me and Im going to stake him and itll all start all over again. The Bad will win, girl, the Bad always wins. The next thing I knew he was kissing me. Hard, but not to hurt. He was as desperate as I was and we were both mad.

I lost it. I went wild on him, hitting and scratching and cursing him and the whole world between kisses that were more like bites, tasting his skin and his tongue and the roughness of his cheeks. I wanted to fight something that I could hardly grasp; but he was so gentle ! I thought he would be a little rough, use me, abuse me to love me.

He let me take it out on him, let me hit and scream and work myself up and fall down again as he held me, rocking me gently in his goddamn arms. He kissed my neck, my shoulders, tasting my skin on his way to my mouth. When he did kiss me there it was long, slow, tender, his tongue curling around my tongue. I let him taste my tears, drink up my pain as his cold body absorbed my rage.

No one ever did me like that before. Ever. No rushing to the breast or crotch. No sucking mouths and pawing hands. He touched me like I was delicate china or something. I never figured the skin was an erogenous zone. Oh yeah, I do know some big words.

I was the one who turned him on his back and climbed on. He was just slightly colder inside me but fuck, I was too far gone to care. Riding him was like riding some huge, sleek cat or a beautiful bike. Like that, purring under me, muscles sliding under his skin. Watching his face as I squeezed him with the muscles Id told his Childe about. Knowing he was imagining it was B, not me.

Teetering on the Edge. Warm champagne.

He thrust up into me as I came down so I hit rock-bottom, sending me off over that edge to where Forgetfulness was. Where I could hide before I had to come back and end it

Faith. He said it like a drawn-out sigh; stiffening and straining, hands clamped around my waist as he came.

I thought my ears had gone whack. What?

Faith, I He went slack, head rolling on the pillow before he stopped and stared at the ceiling. I still have my soul.

I dont think he was talking to me. More surprised he hadnt turned into Angelus, but I didnt care.

HED KNOWN IT WAS ME !

And still hed donemade love to me. Faith.

I was so fucking shocked I choked up and rolled off him. Didnt want to know whether I was happy or sad or angry.

He didnt say anything after that. Didnt need to.

Pressed a kiss that was like thanks on my shoulder and put his arms around my waist, pulling the sheets up over us both and kind of curling around me.

Ive never actually slept with anyone after sex. Never wanted to let anyone close. The Mayor was like a father to me; we never even thought of doing the wacky. And here he was, holding me all protectively ! Him, Angel, vampire, Bs ex whom I tried to kill once and whom I was now hired to dust. We didnt love each other, get that straight, but he cared. And me? I needed him I guess.

He gave me one night of having someone there when I woke up with those nightmares, someone who held me and protected me. Now I know why B loved him. Its hared being A Slayer and having to protect all the time, or be the tough one whom everyones scared to shit of. Dont know why B gave him up for Beefsteak, who honest cant hold a match to Angel. Dont know why she came tonight either.

Hed gotten me doughnuts. Hed fought, well sort of, with Wes and that cheerleader-type.whats her name? Cordelia, yeah. Id gotten up all ragged and pulled a knife on him. Hed talked me into handing it over and taught me how to use a microwave. I put my foot in my mouth and spilled the beans about Beefsteak. We got attacked by a demon. I killed it. We were doing a hug thing which I was kind of getting used to.

Then B walked in on us.

Shes got a right to be bitter. After what Id done to her she should have been murderous. All the time shed been the one fighting for me and I turned around and hit her where it hurtIve really fucked up my life. She wanted to let them take me last night. The police or the Watchers Council, whatever. I should let them take me. Its the right thing to do, isnt it? God, hearing myself think that makes me wanna laugh. Me, Faith, thinking bout the right thing !

I would have just given up, maybe even made her kill me. I didnt count on Angel stopping her.

He let her hit him for me. And then he hit her back.

Ive done it again, havent I? I didnt even mean to. Bad walks around in my shadow, see? Thats how it works. Once Evil always evil. To thank B and Angel Ive broken them up more than Beefsteak ever could. I bring pain.

Well, storys over. Whatll I do?

The glass makes very little noise when I smash it on the cement, cause I wrapped it in a sack first. Sharp clear edges all around as I hold the bottle neck. Just one slash and itll be all over. Like a bad dream. Then what? Angels in jail because he wont tell the police where Ive gone. And B? I dont know. Christ, I really dont.

What if they leave him when the sun comes up? One more vamp bites the dust.

No, it cant and here or the pain will go on. And if it does I cant even die proper knowing it came with me.

So here I am, walking up the alley and onto the street, a girl with her hands stuffed down her pockets as far as they can go. A girl looking at the ground shes walking on. Cause Ive got to go and give this story a proper ending, baby. Do whats right. Ive got to go thank a vampire for giving me one nights sanctuary under his roof and in his arms.

Face the bells, lover. Can you hear them ringing?

Dont cry, baby, Ill be fine. Hey, everythings five by five.