A thousand kisses

Faith looked at herself in the mirror and smiled ruefully. "Worthless little shit," she muttered.

She felt warm arms encircle her waist. "Don't say that about yourself," the blonde whispered pleadingly.

Faith pulled away. "Don't."

Buffy reached out to her, only to have Faith back away from her. "Faith?"

"You deserve better than to be with me . . . I don't have anything to offer anybody. Just get the fuck away from me."

"You're wrong. You're so wrong. You don't even KNOW how wrong-"

"I get the point," Faith said impatiently. "YOU'RE wrong. I know what I am, who I am. You don't even know what you got involved with."

"Faith . . ." Buffy whispered.

What had gone wrong? A few hours ago, she and Faith had come back from patrol, and fell asleep in each other's arms. A few moments ago, she had felt Faith gently extricate herself from Buffy's loosely possessive grip and go into the bathroom. She waited dreamily for the moment that Faith would return and snuggle next to her, searching for solace from the cold. But it never happened.

Instead, she watched Faith through slitted eyes glare at herself in the mirror with a look of such self-hatred and pain that it took her breath away. Then Faith had said what she had said . . .

She was pulling away from her so quickly that it made Buffy's' head spin. And her heart hurt.

Buffy stared into Faith's eyes and only saw a vacancy, an empty blankness.

"I wanna hold the hand inside you
I wanna take the breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth"

"I thought you loved me?" Buffy whispered.

Faith laughed cruelly. "They all think that. But all of you, including you are wrong. You were just a easy fuck. But don't worry, darling. You were great." Faith paused for a moment. "The best," she whispered softly, as if to herself.

Faith knew the blow was coming, and accepted it when she felt a stinging blow to her face that pushed her into the bureau

A thousand blows.

But it didn't stop there. She felt herself being punched, kicked . . . hell, even bit. She didn't fight back.

Buffy finally stopped, and took in the bruising eye, the nose that had started bleeding.

"Why didn't you even fight back?"

Faith shrugged and forced herself to smirk. "I had it coming, and they say the truth hurts, right? I told you the truth, and now I'm feeling the-"

"You're lying."

'You fucking loser,' Faith's mind screamed at her. 'What're you doing to her? Your mother was right, you're not fit for anything or anyone. Worthless whore.'

A muscle in Faith's cheek twitched, and she took in a breath to focus herself. 'Control'

"What? You think the great Buffy Summers can't be played? Well, you can be, little girl."

'I hate you.' Faith's mind was always saying that to herself.

"I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore"

"Faith, how can you do this to me?"

"Toldja, B. You're just another notch on my bedpost."

"I love you, Faith. I know I'm not just another notch. What's wrong? We can work through this-"

Faith shut her eyes, pained by the anguish on the blonde's face. It wasn't right, for Buffy to be with her. She needed someone who wasn't so damaged, and she was just so fucking worthless. Nothing good could have come out of the relationship, nothing good could have come from her.

Buffy grabbed her arm and felt Faith flinch. "Please please, talk to me. I know this isn't you." Buffy was sobbing by this point.

Faith fought the urge to cry with her. This whole love thing, this true love thing was too new to her. She couldn't handle it.

"On a different day
If I was safe in my own skin
Then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened
But this is today
And I'm lost in my own skin"

Faith pulled away again.

"Just get away from me, Buffy." Faith said wearily.

"Why? Why? Why would you do this to me? Make me love you and pull this shit?"

Faith smiled arrogantly. "It's what I do."

'I hurt people,'

She looked at Buffy, and Buffy was enraged by the conceit.

A thousand curses.

"Get out," Buffy screamed.

'Finally,' Faith thought. 'I know what to do from here.'

'Tsk tsk, B. You don't want to wake your mother do you?"

"You fucking bitch." Buffy whispered. "You fucking whore."

"Oh, poor B. I guess you think you're too good to get fucked over. Oh, well."

"I hate you." Buffy whispered vehemently.

"More than anyone else? I'm flattered."

"More than anything on earth," Buffy's eyes flashed. "I love you, and you fucking do this to me. I fucking hate you."

Faith chuckled sardonically. "Join the club," she hissed, full of self-contempt.

Buffy caught it, and her eyes softened for a minute.

"Faith?"

"Good-bye, B." Faith said, and Buffy thought she could detect a note of regret in the girl's voice. Her eyes showed emotion for the first time.

"Wait-"

"No. This sham of a relationship isn't worth it anymore."

'Not for you, B. Never for you, you deserve so much more.'

"You make me real
You make me real
Strong as I a feel
You make me real"

Faith walked out the door, burning with anguish and disgust. She'd hurt the one person she ever truly loved, the only person who had truly loved her back. She fucked up, just like she always did, just like her mother always told her she would. But, she felt an eerie sense of calm. Things were back to normal. She could handle it now. No more confusion over a happiness she didn't deserve, no more worrying that one day, Buffy would wake up and see her for what she really was and turn her away in horror.

'No one deserves to be with someone like me, especially not someone like Buffy.'

She new where she would go now- the Mayor. Buffy hated her, and now Faith was empty. But at least Buffy was away from her, and hated her. That was the way it should be.

'Right?'