She's gone. She left me. REALLY left me. She didn't even look back, I thought she'd at least look back, but she didn't. She told me she didn't love me, that I was just another conquest for her and that our relationship was a sham. I was so stupid for believing that she actually loved me, that I could have a normal relationship. But I thought with Faith . . . being a Slayer, like me . . . she's like my other half. My dark twin, my dark lover.

She looked so empty, so devoid of any emotion. She was telling me these awful things, and it was like she didn't care. But it's, like, I can't truly believe that she didn't. I know she has feelings, I know she felt it too. But maybe I really am egotistical enough to believe that I am too good for getting played.

They both left me. Angel. Faith. God, look at those names. How well they fit in my life. Angel was a gift for me, as if from God. I know how cheesy that sounds, but it's true. Despite everything that happened, I never knew what love was, what real living was until I met him. Odd that the undead would teach me how to live. Then Faith came. She was darkly beautiful, almost taunting me unto following her that night we first met.

She was all grace, a flurry of lean arms and legs. Poetry was written for people like Faith. I miss her so much, and she only just left. I smell her on the pillows, in the sheets, on me. She's left her mark on the room, on me. I can never be here without thinking of her. I don't know what point I fell in love with her, but I did. Maybe it was lust from the moment I met her. She was so beautiful . . . but I could detect an underlying sadness, and I wanted so much to be the one to take that away.

"You're so beautiful," I told her, shortly after we became lovers.

She looked at me in surprise. "What?"

"You're beautiful."

"Oh," she breathed. She looked thoughtful. "No one's ever said that to me."

I hated everyone she ever met for letting her go through life without hearing that. I hated her parents, the people she called her friends, all her lovers. But, oh, how I loved it that I was the first to tell her.

Now she's gone.

I can't believe that she doesn't love me. At least, not even a little. She has to love me. All those looks, those sighs and caresses. Do they really not mean anything to her? I can fathom why she doesn't love me. I mean, I CAN sort of believe that. But I CAN'T believe that she would just play me.

When she was looking in the mirror, I could see how much she really hated herself. She never spoke it out loud, but it was always there. I felt my heart break when she called herself worthless, and I hated the world once again for making her feel that way. I wanted so much to take away that pain. Maybe I should have stayed in bed, maybe she would have come back to me and we would be together now.

But I could see how much she was hurting, and I couldn't have let her stay like that. It was my natural reaction to go to her.

Why would she push me away like that? Why? Why wasn't I able to make her see that nothing inside her is worthless? I've failed in the past, but this is the most abysmal. Maybe I could have told her that I loved her more. Maybe I should have praised her more. But for the love of God, there was something, there has to have been something that I could have done.

When we first started out, she warned me about herself. Can you believe that? She WARNED me about herself. She told me that she's been with a lot of people, that she doesn't even know anymore if she's capable of loving anyone. I know she is, that she just won't let herself love someone. She's been so hurt.

But she's left me, and I have a feeling that it's for good.

Faith, why didn't you just love me?

"What can I do to make you love me?
What can I do to make you care?
What can I say to make you feel this?
What can I do to get you there?

There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows, I might feel better
If I don't try and I don't hope."

Oh my God. She's working for the Mayor now. She walked out of my life and into his.

"I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
And I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong."

I killed her. I stabbed her with her own knife.

"No more waiting, no more aching
No more fighting, no more trying."

She's in a coma, and they say that she may never wake up.

"Maybe there's nothing more to say
And in a funny way I'm calm
Because the power is not mine
I'm just going to let it fly."

But I know one day she will, and maybe we'll have another chance.

"Love me
Love me"

Love me, baby. Please come home.