I don’t know anymore. I’ve been here for too long, I really should leave this place. I mean, I made some pretty heavy mistakes, and I can admit them – to myself – because that’s what I’ve been doing my whole life, admitting my mistakes, going over them again and again and again, wishing how I could have made things different if I had thought before my actions or tried harder than I had done.

But I can’t go on like that. I can’t go on thinking about these stupid fucking mistakes I’ve made in Sunnydale. I acted all hard and all great in front of everybody else, and only I knew what was really going on inside my heart and head. I’m not strong, I’m as fucking weak as they get. A façade is the only way I can hold myself up, support myself. Sometimes, my lies are just so strong, I find myself believing them and believing that I am strong and that I am brave. It’s stupid, I know, but hey, it’s a way to go.

But Sunnydale isn’t working for me anymore, and when I think about it, it never truly did. I should just go. Get the hell away from the Hellmouth. All it does is make things worse, and make emotions stronger. During my time here, I found myself lusting for some and then loving others.

Lust.

Christ, how many times have I been through that? More than Casanova whatzizname. Sunnydale had plenty to offer in the lust department. Especially Angel. Oh Angel, what I would do to have him just once. Okay, so I wouldn’t do *anything*. I’d do *almost* anything though, which is close enough I guess. God, he’s so damn handsome and so mysterious, its hard not to have a little attraction towards him.

# It’s just, a little crush #

But then there's that thing that everybody wants in life. That sentiment that everyone deserves to feel at least once in their lifetime.

Love.

What the hell is that? It’s some kind of shit emotion that gets you into more trouble than its worth, that’s what it is. But then I also heard that it’s the greatest thing ever. Yeah, right. I don’t know which to believe anymore, because I know both. All too well, now. I fell in love with somebody I shouldn’t have, with somebody who didn’t care about anything but their own precious honey. I don’t even know why I’m beating myself up over this, it’s not like she would ever go for me. We’re so different in so many ways. The more I think about it, the more my heart breaks. It shocked me to the limits when I figured out that what I felt for her was love. I’d never felt like that for a girl before – or guy. Nobody. But especially not a girl. It was scary when I thought about it, and it still is. It’s something I can’t tear my mind away from.

Whenever I see her, I can’t help thinking about how beautiful those eyes are, or how soft her hair is, or how yielding her lips are . . . she’s perfect. And I hate that! I fucking hate it! I hate that she’s all that, and that everyone knows it, and that *she* knows it. She’s little miss wonderful, everything about her is so flawless. When I think of myself up against her, I feel like Homer Simpson up against Vanessa whatever her name is from that Austin Powers movie.

But that’s also why I love her. Because she’s everything I want to be, and she’s everything I love in a person. Loving, considerate, attractive in the greatest of ways, and smart. She’s incredibly smart, although she doesn’t realise it.

But she’s also blind. She always complains about everything, about how she doesn’t have a dress for next Friday’s school dance, about how her mom is giving her a hard time over her diet, about how Giles is pressurising her to train harder for her own safety and about how hard it is not getting any from her beau. Jesus! She doesn’t understand how fucking lucky she is. At least she can go to a school dance, at least she has a mother who loves her, at least she has a watcher who cares about her safety and at least she has a honey. I have nothing like that. Nothing. And it hurts, because I know that Buffy doesn’t truly respect what she has.

The one thing I want in the world and that I can’t have is *her*. I see why though, because the consequences would be serious and the situation would just not make sense – to anyone else. To me, it would make perfect sense.

I’d take care of her and I’d love her and I’d watch her back for her. I’d do everything everyone else does for her, but I’d do it with meaning, and she’d realise how much I meant it. She’d realise how deep my love would be and how much I need her.

Christ, why am I doing this to myself? I should just get out of Sunnydale, travel a bit, maybe go to Spain and meet some juicy fellas. It would be a hell of a lot better than sticking around here. All I’d have is the pain of my heart getting torn to shreds by the greatest person in my life.

No.

I can’t leave.

I’d just cause myself more pain. More pain because I’d have left my one love in life. The one star in my sky. The one crystal in my ocean. I can’t do that. Just thinking about leaving her forever is enough to make me cry. Every tear from my eye is for her – a hundred times.

I wish I could just go to her, tell her my feelings, tell her my pain. I’d tell her that nobody gets me like she does, and then she’d tell me she understands. She’d take me into her arms and let me cry into her shoulder, rocking me gently, whispering soothing words into my ear. And those words would be powerful, no matter how soft they were said, they would be intense and they would fill the parts of me that were missing, erasing all the pain in the process. She’d hold me close, like she would never let me go, and she’d tell me everything would be okay. Everything would work out.

That’ll never happen. It’s too late for that. She’s completely obsessed with her own life and her own worries. Why would she care about me? I’m nothing to her, just another person in the community who happens to be a slayer of the undead. Nothing morally strange in a regular life.

But there is no way I could forget her. She is the eternally burning fire in my heart and Neptune’s greatest, widest, strongest ocean couldn’t put out the flames. She’s my reason for living . . . for staying.

I’ll stay on the Hellmouth.

I’m prepared for the pain of what is to come. Even if I have to join the darker forces to stay on top, I’ll make things better for myself.

I’ll show Buffy Summers that I can take care of myself and that I don’t need her and her little Scooby Gang. And Angel, the demon lover who has stolen the only love of my life, he can go fuck himself. Yeah, he’s a hottie, as hot as a dead guy can get. Why do I hate him so much? Because I know that he knows he has Buffy wrapped around his little finger. Oh yeah, he’s all tortured, he killed a bunch a people, I understand that’s gotta hurt wicked bad, but he uses it to get to Buffy and make her his own. I could do that if I wanted, I could stoop to his level and yammer on about how I grew up without a mother and that I was left alone and defenceless in the world, but I don’t wanna be his equivalent. Yeah, okay, I’ll mention it if Buffy and I ever come to blows, because I want her to know how lucky she is, but I won’t use it to make her love me.

She can love who she wants. She can make the choices she wants. She can do what she wants. I’ll try my goddamn best not to care for her, but it’ll be hard. Really hard. But I’m going to be on the stronger side than her, and I’ll have something over her.

What does a person do to the person she loves most, but who won’t return that affection? She betrays her. And that’s exactly what I’m gonna do, B. I’m gonna make you pay for the disrespect you’ve shown me. The help you offered – was pity. The friendship you offered – was charity. I don’t like that, B. It hurts. And don’t you fucking think that I’ve suffered enough pain already?! It’s your turn now, Buffy. I am the defector in your life now. I will love you forever, B, but I won’t let you get away with your conceited personality. I have to teach you this lesson, because nobody else will.

After all, it’s better to be behind the enemy than to be in his path . . .

END