//so close your eyes
for that's a lovely way to be
aware of the things
your heart alone was meant to see

the fundamental loneliness goes
whenever two can dream a dream together
~Antonio Carlos Jobim "Wave"//

I eventually arrive at school having missed the first two classes. But I'm *really* not complaining. I mean, given the choice between a very long, very boring lecture, or a couple of hours in the company of a very... attentive, Faith - well, what's a girl to do?

She said she was going to drop by the gallery today, check out the new place of employment. I'm still kinda surprised at how quickly Mom said yes when I asked her to take Faith on there. I mean, Faith did tie her up and hold her captive. And Mom has a tendency to be somewhat... overprotective at times, not that I can blame her given my track record. But I did expect a little more objection on her part.

Although, one way I'm sure to get objection is when I tell her about me and Faith. Then the objection will be loud and vigorous, I'm sure. She took it badly enough when I told her Riley and I broke up. She really liked him, partly coz he's just such a damn nice guy, but I think mostly coz he was an improvement on Angel, in her mind anyway. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to weather the storm that's sure to come when I break the news to her. Before I even think about that though... I have to tell the gang. And speaking of...

"Hey Buffy."

Will's already sitting in the lecture hall with Tara, I grab a seat next to them.

"Willow, Tara, hey."

"Wasn't too sure if you were gonna show today. And you didn't come back to the dorm last night. Is everything okay?" I recognise this tone of voice. It's partly, 'as your friend I was worried, are you okay?' And partly, 'I sense there's a story behind this and I want to know all.'

"Everything's fine. We finished patrol kinda late. I crashed at Faith's."

"Oh."

Damn, I can't even say her name without Willow freezing up. This is not going to be easy, but I'm gonna wait and tell them all together. Like tearing off a bandage, get all their reactions out of the way at once rather than prolong what's sure to be a delightful experience.

At lunch. Xander and Anya usually drop by campus around then. Yeah... I'll tell them at lunch.

Lunch comes all to quickly.

We're all sitting outside coz it's too hot a day for the cafeteria. This is good, gives me more room to manoeuvre if they start throwing things at me and I need to run.

"So did patrol go okay last night?" Xander asks. "Manage not to kill any people?"

"Patrol was fine." Okay... while we're on the topic of Faith, time to lead into this conversation gently. "I know you guys still have a lot of hostility towards Faith, but she really has changed."

"So she says..." Willow sounds beyond sceptical.

"Yeah, I mean, she said she was on our side before... she just left out the whole 'I'm working with the Mayor to bring about the Ascension' part. What makes you think she's being honest with us this time?" Xander asks.

"Because she's starting to open up. And I think this time she really wants to do the right thing. She's had a hard time of it, but she made the decision to change, and she's working to do that. Do you really think she would have come back and listened to you all attack her and drag up the past if she wasn't trying to make amends? Do you really think she'd put herself through that?"

They're quiet for a minute until Xander speaks up.

"Okay Buffy, I gotta ask... Why are you suddenly so pro-Faith? I mean, out of everyone here you're the one she's hurt the most. And there was a time you would have run her out of town if she just suddenly showed up asking for forgiveness. C'mon, you stabbed her, you followed her to L.A. to make sure she was brought to justice, but now you're being ultra-defensive just because she says she's not Psycho Slayer anymore. Why? What's changed?"

Okay, here goes... won't this just be a barrel of brutal, vicious fun?

"Well... there's something I need to tell you guys."

Deep breath. I can get through this.

"About me and Faith..."

The gallery is pretty cool. I mean there's some pretty wicked weapons and stuff that Joyce told me were pre-something or other, which apparently makes them *really* old as opposed to just old. And I'm starting to think I might kinda like working here. Plus, it'll provide money, which is something I could do with right about now.

Joyce has just finished giving me the grand tour and I'm sitting across from her in her office.

"So, have you any questions?"

"Nah, everything's five by five. Thanks again for letting me work here, I didn't think you'd be too keen on it. Y'know, after everything."

"That's okay. I think it's good that you're making an effort to repair some of the damage you've done, Faith. I'm glad I can help."

I still don't get her. "Thanks Mrs. Summers."

There's a brief silence where she looks like she's working up to say something difficult.

"Faith, can I ask you something, about Buffy?"

Uh oh. "Sure, shoot."

"Well, I assume you know she broke up with Riley?" I nod, keeping my expression guarded. "Did she maybe mention why...? I mean he was such a nice boy. I really thought they might last. Has she... has she said anything to you."

Could this conversation possibly be any more awkward? Really not wanting to talk about B's love life here.

"Well, not really specifically but... I guess they just grew apart, y'know? Wasn't meant to be."

She smiles a little sadly. "I just... I was just so happy she was in a *normal* relationship for once, after everything that happened with Angel."

Normal relationship, right.

B suggested she'd tell her friends on her own, but we'd break it to Giles and her Mom together. I think it's mostly coz she wanted to spare me from what the Scooby gang will have to say, but she'd like me there to back her up with the parental units. I'm happy to play it whatever way she wants, they're her people after all, but I somehow doubt Joyce's reaction is going to be that great. Still, if she can come to terms with her daughter dating the undead, maybe there's a chance for me.

I head back to the motel when I'm finished at the gallery, and when I reach my room, B's standing outside, leaning on the porch rails. She looks up at me when I stand beside her and the look on her face says it all.

"Did things go that badly?"

She looks down at the grass below us, not able to meet my eyes. "Yeah, they kinda did."

Damn.

I put an arm around her and she rests her head on my shoulder. "I guess it was kind of to be expected though. I mean, I did try to kill Xander, and Red was never to fond of me even before everything happened. They're your friends though, B, they'll come around."

She's really upset and it breaks my heart to see her like this. "Some of the things they said, Faith... I mean, they found it easier to accept that I was dating a 240 year old vampire, and look at their significant others, neither of them are in a position to preach."

"Then again, neither of their significant others hurt people close to them."

"Angel did. He killed Miss Calendar, and sure, they had issues after that, but they still accepted that I wanted to be with him."

Sure they did, I mean, B and Angel, the big love, who's gonna try and stand in the way of that? Okay, so I did, but who in their right mind would stand in the way of that?

"That was different though, wasn't it? I mean, Angel did what he did coz he lost his soul, I chose to do what I did. And as for them accepting you two together, well... it was you and Angel, course they're gonna accept it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well you guys had a history... Before he went evil and all, you guys were like, the real thing. And even after everything, they'd have to have been crazy not to see how much you loved him."

"But I love you... and they can't see that."

Wow. Something hits me when she says that - a cross between an almost mind-numbing fear and total and unbelievable happiness, and it hits me hard. No one's ever told me that except to get me into bed, and even then I'd rather they didn't say it. It just complicates things, adds expectations and shit when I really don't need them. But with Buffy I realise that I want her to say it, I need her to say it. Why...?

"I love you too, B."

Because I do. For the first time ever it's not about sex, or power, or getting a kick out of playing mind games with someone. I feel things when I'm with her that I've never felt before. I think she realises how much it means to me to say that to her. She takes my hand and smiles *that* smile.

"This will all work out."

I don't know which of us she's trying to convince the most, but for now I'm willing to believe her. And what's more I'm determined it will work out. B needs her friends to accept this so she can be happy, and so I'm gonna make sure they do accept it... if it kills me.

"I know it will."

She puts her arms around my neck and kisses me, and it amazes me just how much feeling she can convey in a kiss. We're so distracted by each other that neither of us hears what's coming until it's too late. Much too late.

"BUFFY?!"

She pulls back so quick, it's a wonder she didn't get whiplash.

"Mom?!"

Joyce and Giles are standing there looking more than a little shocked. Although, if I didn't know better I'd say the G-Man was almost... grinning? Joyce's reaction, on the other hand, is a little more definite.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

This comment is directed at me but I seem to be temporarily unable to say anything that remotely resembles a word. Making a sentence is beyond me. Fortunately B jumps in.

"Mom, I'm sorry, this isn't how I wanted you to find out."

"Find out what, exactly?"

"Joyce... maybe we should take this inside. Sit down and discuss it calmly." Giles suggests.

Joyce is about to argue but Giles puts a hand on her arm. "Fine." she mutters.

Giles and Joyce take the two crappy chairs that my motel room has to offer, while B and I sit on the bed, an acceptable distance between us. I can practically see the steam shooting from Joyce's ears.

"I want an explanation... now."

"Explanation's pretty simple, Mom - Faith and I are together."

Joyce just shakes her head. "Why do you do this to yourself, Buffy? I mean first the Angel thing... and now you break up with Riley, a perfectly nice, normal boy, for *her*? You have to know this will never work."

There's a fire that sparks in Buffy's eyes when she says that.

"Actually I don't know that. And you don't know it either."

"Don't I? For God's sake, Buffy, think about this for a minute. Think about everything she put you through. Think about what you've done to her in the past. Can you honestly tell me you're just going to forget that?"

"No. We're not trying to forget it. We've dealt, we're moving on."

"She's going to hurt you, Buffy."

I haven't said a word since we got in here but before B can reply I speak up.

"Look... Mrs. Summers, I understand where you're coming from, 'specially after what I've done." I have everyone's attention now, here goes nothing. I *really* hate these kinda talks. "But when I was in Buffy's body and we were talking... you said you thought I was desperately unhappy. I was.

"I was angry, at everyone, mostly at myself, and I took that out on anyone that tried to help. Buffy's the only one who didn't give up on me. I kept pushing her away and she kept coming back, even though it must've killed her.

"And when I'm with her, I'm happy - really happy for the first time in my life. I can't promise I'm never gonna hurt her, no one can make that kinda guarantee. But all I want is for her to be happy too. I know you find this hard to accept, but I love her very much."

I'm torn between crying at how open that speech was and cheering when I see Mom is affected by it too. She looks to Giles for reassurance but he just shrugs and smiles at me.

"If there's one thing I've learnt about Buffy over the past few years," he says, "It's that she will always march to the beat of her own drummer."

And that's clinched it. Mom and looks between me and Faith and sighs. "Well... once you're happy. I suppose that's the main thing."

"I am, Mom. I really am." I smile at Faith and she grins back.

We did it. Surprising as it is, Mom's accepting this. She may not be a hundred percent behind us, she may not even be particularly happy about it, but she's accepting it. And Giles seems pretty okay with it too. Two down...

Mom and Giles leave pretty quickly once that conversation is over and I stand at the door to wave them off. Faith comes up behind me, wraps her arms around me and kisses me on the cheek. It amazes me just how safe I feel in her arms.

"That went well... considering." she says.

"Yeah. It did. Mostly coz of what you said."

"Meant every word. If it wasn't for you I'd have given up a long time ago."

I turn around to face her. God, her eyes are so expressive, how did I not notice that before? I guess with the fighting and trying to kill each other, I kinda wasn't looking hard enough.

"I'm always gonna be here for you, Faith. Always."

"I'm gonna hold you to that." she grins.

Okay... we seem to be on a roll with the whole, getting us out in the open thing, there's only one person left. And what total fun this is going to be. I guess I'm gonna find out just how far I can push that Mr. Nice Guy exterior before it cracks.

"Faith... I have to tell Riley."

Her smile fades. "Yeah. Yeah I suppose you do. You wanna do it alone? Coz I'll back you up if you want, but..."

"No, no. I should talk to him alone. He'll probably take it better that way."

She nods. "You're probably right. You're going now?"

Might as well get it over with. "Yeah."

"You'll come back here when you're done?"

"Absolutely."

"Alright." she kisses me briefly. "There's some errands I gotta run so just let yourself in if I'm not here wen you get back."

Yeah, there's a little errand I need to run when I'm done too. No, I'm not gonna think about that now. "Sure." I nod.

"Okay so... good luck."

I'm gonna need it.

Riley's reaction to me showing up on his doorstep is kind of an unexpected one. He opens the door, sees me, and walks back into his room, leaving the door open.

A little unsure of what that's supposed to mean, I follow him in, shutting the door behind me. He's sitting on the bed, just looking at me, and his eyes are cold and hurt.

"So am I the last to know?" he says harshly.

"What?"

"About you and Faith. Am I the last to know?"

Oh shit.

"You know? How?"

"I ran into Willow."

Oh this is not good. "I'm sorry, Riley, I should have been the one to tell you."

"Why? So you can rub it in personally? So you get the satisfaction of telling me face to face?"

I can't believe Willow told him. Well, actually I can believe it. She was the angriest out of the group when I told them. It'll probably be a while before she talks to me again. I just wish she hadn't told Riley.

"I came here because I didn't want you to hear it as second-hand gossip. Seems I'm a bit too late."

He laughs humourlessly. "Yeah, it is. You know what, why don't you just get out Buffy? I don't think there's anything we've got to say to each other."

"I'm sorry that you're hurt, Riley. I didn't want to do that."

"Just go, Buffy. I'm sure Faith's waiting for you. I mean, what was it about her, huh? The tight pants? The fact that she's never said no to a screw in her life? Or does someone just have to have been a psychopathic murderer at some point to get with you?"

I'm seriously considering beating him to death right now, but that'll just cause more problems. It's a supreme struggle but I get my anger under control.

"What I see in her, Riley, is something you never will. And I'm sorry for that. Mostly, I'm sorry for you. Faith is a good person, she has a good heart. I know you don't see that, but you don't know her. You never knew her."

"I knew enough."

"No, you didn't. You didn't see her before the Ascension. You've never seen the scared side of her, the vulnerability she works so hard to hide. You've never seen it because you never looked for it. But it is there, Riley."

He's quiet for a long moment. When he speaks again it's harsh and angry.

"Do you love her?"

"Riley..." Don't make me answer that, Riley. It'll only hurt you.

"It's a simple question, Buffy." his voice goes up a few decibels. "Do you love her?"

"Yes."

He nods and I can see he's fighting back tears.

"Then there's nothing left to say. Just leave."

So I do.

I have to ask some kid if she knows where B's dorm room is. Fortunately she does and I head up. I know B ain't gonna be here, but that's cool. It's not her I want to see.

"Faith?"

Red's face twists in that way it does when she's really pissed and I seriously think she's gonna slam the door in my face. Instead she stands her ground.

"Go away."

Not gonna happen, Red.

"You and I need to talk."

"No we don't. I need to study coz I have an exam tomorrow, and you need to go away."

"You're hurting her, you know?"

I feel kinda stupid having this conversation in the middle of the hallway but there's things that need to be said. So I'm gonna say 'em.

Red glares at me.

"You are. You guys are her friends, and I don't know what exactly you said to her earlier on, but whatever it was really cut her up."

She makes a disgusted little noise in the back of her throat and walks away from me into the room. I follow her.

"She needs you right now."

"What Buffy needs right now is serious psychiatric help."

Okay, this is getting us nowhere fast, time to cut to the chase.

"I'm not asking you to like me, Red. Matter of fact, if I'm gonna be perfectly honest-"

"Please do." she says in her best condescending tone.

"I couldn't give a flying fuck what you or the rest of your little posse think about me. But Buffy, for some reason, thinks of you guys as friends. So if you want to hate me? Fine. You want to disapprove of me and B being together? Fine. But don't punish her for it, don't push her away. Coz if you do - it'll be your loss,"

I turn and I'm halfway out the door when she stops me.

"Faith?"

"What?"

"If you hurt her..."

"Look around, Red. I'm not the one who's hurting her right now."

I'm lying on the bed in Faith's motel room, waiting for her to get back. On my way here from Riley's I made a brief stop - a brief stop that confirmed my suspicions. And now I somehow have to tell Faith.

Jesus, I can't do that. She's gonna hate me. Worse, she's gonna pity me. Worse than that, she'll probably leave me. God, this is so unfair. I've only just gotten her and now I'm gonna lose her. Oh Christ, how am I supposed to tell her that-

The door opens and she walks in, looking damn happy with herself. Stretching out beside me on the bed, she wraps her arms around me and pulls me close so that my head rests on her shoulder. After a moment of very comfortable silence she says, "I went to see Willow."

Uh oh. "Faith, you didn't."

"No, it's okay. We got a lot of stuff out in the open. I think maybe we resolved some things."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Things are looking up, B."

You think? Oh God... I really don't think I can do this. I have to do this. She'll find out soon enough anyway. Plus I'm a nervous wreck after just half an hour of not telling anyone. No way I could keep it up. So what's the best way to phrase this? There is no best way to phrase this.

Faith must notice something's up because she puts her hand under my chin and raises my head so that I meet her eyes. I can't help it - I start to cry.

"B, what's wrong? C'mon, what's the matter, baby?"

"Faith, I uh... there's something I have to tell you. Just... just hear me out. Listen to what I have to say and if you want to leave when I'm done, I won't stop you."

"Leave? Buffy, what...? Will you please just tell me what's going on?"

Oh God, I can't. I can't do this... but I have to.

"Buffy, you're scaring me. C'mon... just tell me. It'll be okay, I promise."

You can't promise that, Faith. I wish you could, but the thing is...

"I'm pregnant"