Where do I take this pain of mine?

*************

Like with everything else I have ever done, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Peace and quiet, two things I haven't really had a lot of, I figured I'd enjoy them.

I was wrong.

I got bored quick, like real quick. Being treated like a psycho I can deal with, being treated like a moron I can't. I was supposed to talk to a counsellor, discuss my problems. First day I messed with her head so bad she told them to put me on meds, they did. My cell mates tried to take advantage straight away and ended up on the wrong side of my fist. After that they put me in solitary.

What with the physical torture of not being able to slay, the drugs and solitary, peace and quiet got pretty old, pretty quick. I bailed after less than two weeks.

************

I run, but it stays right by my side.

***********

Ever since I have been wandering and hunting and slaying.

Forcing myself to live, because if don't force myself, I think that one day I'll just never wake up. I'll die simply because there is nothing left to live for. So I force life on myself, because I believe that the Hell that surely awaits me after death, will be even worse than the Hell I live in. The Hell that is my life.

So, I keep moving, keep running, keep fighting.

**********

So, tear me open, pour me out.
There is things inside that scream and shout.

**********

After months of simply living, today I come to and found myself at home, in my motel room. I have returned to Sunnyhell.

No big surprise that I don't remember getting here. I don't sleep as much as collapse these days. I can't just close my eyes and sleep like I used to. As soon as I try, there she is. Glaring at me, hating me, wishing me dead. They are nightmares because I know they are real. She is the only thing I have ever had and she despises me. She is my salvation and I know that just like in my dreams, in reality she wishes me dead.

And I hate her for that. I want to destroy her for that. I want to have her at my mercy, but I scare myself thinking about what I would do if I did.

*********

And the pain still hits me, so hold me until it
sleeps.

*********

I wait till dark. Because like the demons I kill, I have become a creature of darkness. And then I seach for her. I find her easily. Find her sleeping peacefully. I should hate her more for that peacefulness, but I can't.

I can't because I look at her and can no longer pretend that I feel hate. I can no longer pretend that it is anything except agonising, gut wrenching pain. I wanted to kill her tonight and now I can hardly stop the tears. It takes all my strength to stop me screaming from the pain.

The hate that I wanted to kill her with was self-hate. And so now I have her at my mercy and I kneel down and sob. Sob because I hate nothing more in this world than myself.

************

Just like the curse, just like the stray,
You feed it once and now it stays.

***********

She hears me and wakes up. Turns her head and looks at me with those eyes that haunt me at night. Hate filled eyes. She's still half-asleep. Asleep enough to be confused and awake enough to be scared.

"Faith?" She's waking up now. Moving slowly backwards out of her bed. Away from me. "What do you want?" She's going for a weapon, I can tell.

I back up to, towards the door. I don't know what to say, this wasn't supposed to happen.

"You've been crying." She says. She sounds surprised. I don't know what to do. "What are you doing here Faith?" She asks again.

Old habits die hard. "Payback." I choke out and then turn and run. But not before I see her face drop.

************

So tear me open, but beware, there's thing inside
without a care.

***********

I run down the deserted streets, trying desperately to out run the pain and the anger and the fear. I hear the clicking of shoes behind me and turn to see B only a little way behind.

I turn. I want to kneel down. I want to let her kill me. I want to die. Here. Now. By her hand. I stop still.

She kicks high and hard. I watch her boot as it approaches my head. I watch it until it is only inches away. I listen to the swoosh. I prepare for the pain. But something from deep inside screams at me. Screams for life. Screams for survival. Screams for...screams for revenge.

I duck her kick and catch her off balance. I get in a couple of good blows and manage to get on top of her. My knees pinning her down. My fists moving relentlessly. My tears dripping onto her face, mingling with her blood. I stumble upwards. Away from her. Away from the evil in me that despises and loves her all at once.

Stumble backwards and then run. Run away from a stunned, beaten and bloody Slayer.

**************

And the dirt still stains me, so wash me until I'm
clean.

*************

I don't sleep tonight either. I drink instead. I drink until I can hardly see. Drink until I can hardly even feel my limbs. Until even the biting pain is only a dull ache. Eventually, I stumble out.

I want sunshine. I want blinding light to kill the darkness inside of me. Bright sunlight that will scare the evil away. I prepare myself for it as I open the door. Prepare myself to be blinded. Prepare myself to be scorched.

It is grey and dark. The rain is heavy and freezing. I am soaked before I even realise that there is no sun. Dripping, as I realise that there is no light to cleanse my darkness. I slip and fall to my knees because I can't stand.

At some point, I force myself up and I trip and stumble along the road. A blurred, dark figure; freezing, wet, terrified. Knowing water can never wash away darkness. Knowing that slowly, it is swallowing me.

*************

It grips you, so hold me.
It stains you, so hold me.
It hates you, so hold me.
It holds you, so hold me.

*************

There seems to be nothing left. I want to believe that there is nothing left. If I can convince myself of that, then I can convince myself to stop being human. Stop caring. Stop thinking. Stop hating. Simply let the darkness win.

I know that I cannot kill. I know that I cannot avenge. I know that I cannot be forgiven. I want to believe that that means there is nothing left. But that voice of survival keeps screaming at me, through the pain and through the alcohol and through the darkness. It screams that I cannot have any of these things, but that I can have something else. That I can have understanding.

I haven't slept, I can hardly think from the alcohol and I am a shaking, shivering shadow as I stumble into the my room, pick up the phone and dial.

"Hello?"

"Angel. It's me."

********************

Until it sleeps. Untils it sleeps. Until it sleeps.
Until it sleeps.

*******************

"Faith?"

I sob as I try and answer. "Angel?"

"Faith. What's going on?" He's so worried. I can hear it in his voice. Why is he worried about me? Why would anyone worry about me? I slip down until I am sitting on the floor, gripping the receiver so tight that my knuckles almost glow. I can't stop crying.

"Faith, I know. I spoke to Buffy." B! Last night comes flooding back to me. The tears and the anger and the blood.

"She's not angry Faith, she's scared." For the first time, I stop crying, he notices and hurries on. "She's terrified, Faith. She's worried you're going to hurt one of the others. She thinks that you have lost it, that you've gone off the edge." He pauses. The only sound now is my heavy, quivering breathing.

"I'm coming, Faith. If not for you, then for her, it's your desicion." Desicion? I can't decide. Don't ask me to.

I hear my voice, though I don't remember telling myself to speak. Maybe it is that voice of survival. It is a tentative, shaking voice. "The Motel?"

"OK"

I drop the receiver. Put my head down on my knees and wish for peace.

*********************

So, tell me why you've chosen me.
Don't want your grip, don't want your greed.
I don't want it!

*********************

Angel walks in and I look up realising I haven't moved since I talked to him. My body is curled so tightly I can hardly breathe. I wonder how long I have been sitting like this. I look up at him standing in the doorway.

It feels like it has been a long time since I have seen him. It has probably been less than a year. Again I hear my voice. "You came." He nods. I look at him and wonder for the second time why anybody would care about me. I whisper it. "Why?"

"You're worth saving, Faith."

That starts me crying again, I shake my head as I cry. Trying to tell him without words that I am anything but worth saving. He leans over and pulls me towards him like a rag doll. He holds me tight.

"You're strong, Faith. Stronger than this. We can bet this."

"I want to." I sob into him, the tears making it almost incomprehensible. My whole body is shuddering against him.

"I want to." My brain repeats over and over again.

**********************

So tear me open, make it gone,
no longer will you hurt anyone.

*********************

"What happened last night?" He asks, when I have finally got a hold of myself.

"I fucked up." He looks at me long and hard.

"Why?"

I flinch. I wasn't expecting that. " 'Cause....'cause. 'Cause I didn't know what else to do." He raises his eyebrows, I stumble on. "Fucking up is sort of a habit with me."

"This is it, Faith. Do or die."

"Literally?"

"Yeah." He pauses. "Buffy will kill you."

"What will you do?" I ask, hardly daring to breathe as I wait for him to answer.

"I want to try and save you, but you have to want to be saved." He says, his eyes searching.

"I do." My voice sounds desperate, pleading.

He nods. "OK."

*****************

But the pain still shakes me, so hold me until it
sleeps.

******************

I fall asleep with him beside me. He thinks I am slipping, losing it. I looked in the mirror in the bathroom, really looked for the first time in months and I understand his fear. I look wild, thin and mean. I look like an animal.

This time I don't dream of her eyes, I dream of her blood. Hers and mine as it mingles. We are fighting, fighting to the death and she is winning. She pulls out that knife and laughs at me. I realise it is all over and scream. Scream for everything that life never allowed me and everything that I never allowed myself.

I wake up to my own screams. Animal and terrifying. Angel is beside me shaking me. I shudder and gasp for air and then cling to him like a baby. Shaking and shivering as he rocks me and whispers.

"It was only a dream, Faith. Just a dream. Only a dream."

*****************

It grips you, so hold me.
It stains you, so hold me.
It hates you, so hold me.

*****************

The night is almost unbearable. I think I am going insane. It doesn't matter if I am awake or asleep, I can see her eyes. I can feel her blood. I can hear my screams. The dreams get worse and worse and so I force myself to stay awake.

And yet everywhere I look I see myself killing. Every noise I hear is screams of pain. I have killed and maimed and destroyed and now it is all coming back on me. I am living that Hell I feared and it seems impossibly terrifying.

I try not to sleep. Try not to think. Try not to let it get to me. I begin pacing, jumping, kicking and finally screaming as the noises in my head won't stop. Angel pulls me to the ground. I fight him, but he wins. He pulls me down and holds me tight.

"It's OK, Faith. It will all be OK."

I fall asleep, desperately clinging to him and that promise.

******************

It holds you, holds you, holds you.

******************

Once I finally start sleeping the days merge into each other and I can't seem to ever really wake up. It's as if all those months of just slaying and collapsing have finally caught up to me. The nightmares continue, Angel is barely around. Out talking to B, or fighting evil, or simply getting away from me, I don't know.

All I know is that I wake myself up every few hours, either with my screams or with the winding feeling of falling off my bed, onto the hard floor. I've taken to sleeping on the ground away from the furniture to stop the cuts and the bruises I'm collecting from them.

It's like I am haunting myself. Punishing myself. Destroying myself. Bit by bit I am dying and I don't know how to stop it. This time I wake up to Angel's shaking. I open my eyes and look up at him. Terrified that he is going to tell me he is leaving. That I will be alone again.

"I'm leaving." I shudder and almost vomit.

"Faith. You're coming, I've worked it out with Buffy. We're going back to LA." I gasp for breath and he holds me tight.

"We're going to beat this, Faith."

*****************

Until it sleeps. Until it sleeps. Until it sleeps.

*****************

He walks me out to the car, that big, black convertable of his. He practically has to hold me up. I feel weak and sick and for the first time I worry that maybe it is not just my mind rotting away. Maybe it is my body too. Maybe I really am dying.

He throws a blanket over me and I curl up underneath it as the car starts and we begin the long journey home. I am asleep before we are out of the car park. Asleep with Angel's hand on my knee and the cold wind whipping over my face.

It isn't peace that rocks me to sleep, I don't know if I'll ever find that. It isn't even forgiveness, because the people I have tortured, the people I have maimed, may never forgive me. I guess what it is, is understanding. And understanding is something. Something to live for.

For the first time in years, I do not dream. I do not cry out. I do not fight the darkness. For the first time in years, I simply sleep.